“I would like to see bipartisanship, I’d like to see unity. And I think we have a very good chance of seeing that.” – Donald Trump, speaking at his post-midterm election press conference, November 7, 2018

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As I stand here amongst the wreckage of this village I’ve just destroyed, surrounded by the still smoldering fragments of the fallen, it occurs to me: the time is right for us to come together and heal.

This might seem like a surprising stance coming from me, the person who just marched up to this functioning township with an army of Nazis carrying blowtorches in one hand and tiki torches in the other. But I assure you, I am deadly serious. I have gone to great lengths to destroy this area and now that I’ve succeeded, I’d appreciate your help in rebuilding it.

Obviously, I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing it for you. After all, I can leave this village at any time and ride off into the sunset to ruin another. But you, you’re stuck here. And do you really want to live in a town full of scorched corpses and decaying flesh smells?

No, the only way for us to successfully move forward is to acknowledge that we all played a role in burning everything down. I’m not saying that you, the people who live here, are responsible for this tragedy. But it seems to me that if you didn’t live in wood houses, or own so many flammable objects, the fire wouldn’t have caught on the way it did. As such, I think it’s in your best interests to join me in the cleanup effort. Together we can make a difference, provided you do exactly as I say and accept that I am allergic to compromise.

I will acknowledge that when I arrived here this morning, armed with jugs of gasoline and Molotov cocktails, I was not expecting for the flames to spread so quickly. I had anticipated more of a slow, controlled burn. Something akin to lighting a stick of incense or watching comedians roast each other on Comedy Central.

I certainly didn’t expect that violently fanning the flames with a copy of the New York Times would cause the terrain to erupt into a fiery hellscape, consuming everything it touched. But what was I supposed to do? Not light the match? This army was built on a foundation of arson and murder and ignoring that reality would be ungrateful on my part.

Honestly, I see this fire as a bonding experience. We can all agree that you don’t want to live in a village that is now littered with toxic chemicals that may or may not cause cancer. I don’t want you to live in an area like that either. See, we just agreed on something. That never would have happened if I hadn’t burned down your homes.

If you really think about it, me starting this fire was my way of extending an olive branch and then using that branch as kindling. Now we can all rise like a phoenix from the ashes — and allow me to say that I’m a huge fan of Phoenix, there are some really terrific people there — and put aside the bloodshed and misery. We don’t even need to discuss it. It’s in the past and I certainly haven’t learned from it, so reliving it would be pointless.

As far as I’m concerned, this fire is ancient history. And since history is written by winners like me, I feel confident in saying this fire never happened. In fact, I don’t even think we need to clean it up — it already looks better than it did a minute ago. And really, are we even sure this village ever existed?

Well, that’s all for me. I’m excited to partner with you moving forward, at least until it no longer benefits me to do so. Thank you for your time and no, I will not be taking questions.