Art by Matt Smith
So wintah comes n’ wintah goes n’ Thangbrand pretty much has no regrets ‘bout muhrdah’in’ those fuckin’ poets. I mean, he seems tah sleep pretty well at night anyway but then I suppose that’s pry true’ah anyone who commits muhrdah with a solid sense’ah religious righteousness backin’ ‘em up. At any rate, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, but most’ah the Icelandahs still follow their own Odinic ethics n’ so they obviously disagree with his pehrspective on the mattah n’ so they banish his ass from the fuckin’ island that summah.
So now he packs his ship up n’ he attempts tah depaht but then a stohrm comes up from outtah fuckin’ nowhere n’ blows him all the way back tah Borgarfjörður which is on the complete othah side’ah the fuckin’ country. N’ then tah make mattahs wohrse, now his food’s all ruined thanks tah gettin’ drenched by what might as well’ah been a thousand yee’ahs ah fuckin’ rain from that fuckin’ stohm.
But lucky fahr him there’s a guy who lives nee’hby who hoahds food like he thinks he’s the fuckin’ Mahket Basket. So this guy, Kolr, he’s fuckin’ famous fahr it. I mean even when Thangbrand was camped out on the beach on the othahside’ah the country, people’d be sittin’ ‘round the fuckin’ fi’ah in the evenin’ n’ be like, “That Kolr guy, man, he has so much fuckin’ food. I don’t even know where he gets all that food. N’ his prices ahr always bettah ‘en Shaw’s too so what the fuck?” Now I’m not sure what kind’ah food he had so much of, I’m figyahin’ yah know maybe lots’ah oats n’ mutton n’ shit but who knows. Maybe it was just an insane amount’ah skyr. But that doesn’t mattah any as what does mattah is that Thangbrand figyahs he can go n’ buy some food from this guy so as that he n’ his whole crew don’t fuckin’ stahve tah death.
Only thing is, thanks tah the outlaw status he got fahr killin’ those poets a yee’ah befohr, now there’s an embahgo goin’ on in Iceland ‘gainst doin’ business with Thangbrand so Kolr can’t sell him his food even if he wanted to, n’ he sure as shit isn’t gonnah give it away fahr fuckin’ free as he’s not runnin’ some sohrtah food pantry fahr fuckin’ shipwrecked violent evangelists hee’ah. So Thangbrand steals it. I mean, he does leave behind some money as a token’ah good will ah whatevah, but Kolr still wants tah pick a fuckin’ fight with him.
So now Kolr rides off tah visit his buddy Skeggbjörn ovah r’in Hítarnes n’ tahgethah they go n’ they track down Thangbrand so as tah demand that he give Kolr back his food, n’ alsah tah pay some intehrest on it fahr his wrongdoin’ n’ all the fuckin’ hassle he’s caused in the firhst fuckin’ place. Well, bein’ as Thangbrand is the type’ah guy who hunts down poets just so that he can then muhrdah ‘em with his own two hands, you can probably guess how this tuhrns out. It was as the medieval guys used tah like tah say, a wicked awesome fuckin’ slaughtah.
11 guys died anyway, since Thangbrand had his whole crew there with him n’ even though Kolr n’ Skeggbjörn alsah had their guys there with ‘em too, it’s not like this was an evenly matched fight ah some shit. N’ Thangbrand’s side clee’hly won bein’ as they only lost two guys whereas the othah 8 were all Kolr n’ Skeggbjörn’s guys n’ Skeggbjörn himself was even one’ah ‘em.
Now at this point Thangbrand n’ his guys know they’re just paddlin’ fuhrthah n’ fuhrthah up shit creek but they alsah know that they’re fuckin’ stuck in Iceland fahr anothah fuckin’ wintah r’at this point. But fohrtunately fahr them they’re not completely fuckin’ havenless as they’re in the paht’ah Iceland where this guy Gizurr the White lives n’ he just so happens tah be friends with Thangbrand since he’s one’ah the guys who Thangbrand successfully convehrted a couple yee’ahs ago. So Gizurr invites ‘em tah all stay with him that wintah which they do n’ while they’re there anothah stohm comes in n’ fuhrthah pounds the fuckin’ shit outtah Thangbrand’s ship even mohr.
Now, genehrally speaking, all the hohrse ridin’ n’ killin’ that happened in Iceland in those days happened all in the summahtime. People kindah just stayed in n’ sat ‘round listenin’ tah stahries ‘bout sleepin’ gods n’ 8-legged sacred hohrses] n’ whatnot in the wintah so Thangbrand didn’t really have tah wohrry much ‘bout someone tryin’ tah get revenge on him fah r’while. But then sure ‘nough, soon as spring rolls ‘round he stahts tah get antsy ‘cause he knows it’s time tah get the fuck outtah dodge.
So he leaves Gizurr’s place tah set ‘bout gettin’ ready to go back tah Nahway but befohr he’s able tah even get his ship repaih’d he gets challenged tah a duel by a fuckin’ behrsehrk. N’ there’s only one way a duel between a besehrk n’ a missionahry in medieval Iceland can possibly go n’ that is fahr the behrsehrk tah fihrst want’ah show off his insane aptitude fahr extreme pain toluhrance by walkin’ ovah r’an open fuckin’ fi’ah, which he claims he does all the fuckin’ time like it’s just what he does yah know? Like instead’ah watchin’ tv ah goin’ tah the gym ah whatevah, he walks on fuckin’ fi’ahs bahr foot in his spahr time ‘cause he’s a fuckin’ freak. N’ Thangbrand’s just like, yah know, “Alright man, whatevah,” n’ then he consecrates the fi’ah n’ then when the behrsehrk goes n’ tries tah walk ‘cross it n’ he buhrns his feet n’ falls down on his own swohrd n’ he fuckin’ dies.
N’ then Thangbrand finally heads back to the coast to get his fuckin’ boat repaih’d n’ go back home tah Nahway.