Well, this is something.
Apparently, what started out as a dire warning from climate scientists last year in which they characterized an imminent and deadly spike in sea levels, referred to as the “blue wave,” was spun, twisted, and reconfigured into meaning something completely different than we thought. Ironically, what many hoped would have been a hopeful turnout at the polls to rid our political ranks of those that are actually going to get millions killed by ignoring climate change was, in fact, climate change coming to kill us all.
As I sit here on this piece of Ikea driftwood and type using the spottiest of WiFi on a network almost laughably called BLUEWAVENOV6, I can’t help but wonder if there was something more we could have done — or anything for that matter. Maybe the proverbial game of telephone that is played on social media in which people that crave the latest news as opposed to the most accurate wasn’t the best idea, as it has led to being unconscionably underprepared for the greatest extinction event in human history — the aforementioned “blue wave.”
Should we have ignored all of the crazy bullshit from the last couple of years and focused instead on the fact that the ocean was rising against us in an act of natural self-preservation? Maybe. But you have to remember, the president was doing horrific things that required all of our attention. Lest we forget, the times when the president, who much of the country despises, was using songs at his rallies written by artists who despise him. Or the times we showed Trump consistently telling blatant lies to crowds that were much smaller than he claimed. What about all the times he proved to be an asshole even though we already knew he was an asshole? These things matter and I can’t see how we could have possibly focused on anything else, even the literal End of Days that literally just happened.
In what will likely be my last Instagram scroll ever, I see photos of so many once hopeful faces with their I VOTED stickers with a massive, obvious blue wave in the background coming to kill them — if only they’d paid more attention, they might still be alive today. And on Twitter, my last glance shows so many hilarious people that made jokes about why they weren’t voting or funny side-by-sides showing how they felt before this election compared to the last, when they should have been grabbing their loved ones and getting to high ground.
Bobbing in the water here next to a bunch of flyers that read BEST ECONOMY IN AMERICAN HISTORY! has me beginning to think that maybe cable news and social media, both full of people constantly competing for attention instead of learning and sharing the most accurate and important information, were bad for us. Maybe we should have just read the boring article written by those climate nerds, the one that warned us to save ourselves a year in advance.
To be completely honest, I’m not sure who I’m even writing this for as all the late-night shows and jobs that I ever wanted were on coasts that are now underwater — their hosts dead, their networks destroyed, their workshops full — but old habits die hard, I guess. This is all so sad, but I feel confident the message is definitely going to hit home for everyone now.
Holy shit, he just tweeted “DOING WONDERFUL IN THE BUNKER! #MAGA”