Art by Matt Smith
So shit’s lookin’ pretty bad fahr both Stefnir n’ Thangbrand right now, but bein’ as they’re both dicks, they both kindah had it comin’ to ‘em. I mean, Stefnir was such a fuckin’ dick that they even went n’ wrote a whole brand new law just tah get rid’ah him n’ so as a result he got his ass sued tah fuckin’ oblivion by it n’ so now he’s basic’ly scramblin’ just tah just try n’ figyah out how tah salvage his fuckin’ finances so he doesn’t get wiped out like a giant mothahfuckin’ fi’ah sweepin’ clean the entiyah fuckin’ eahrth. Which alsah means he’s basic’ly completely outtah the stahry at this point since he’s gottah deal with all that fuckin’ papahwohrk n’ predatahry lawyah fees n’ shit.
But then Thangbrand there on the othah-hand, he just bought himself a one-way ticket to that godfahsaken piece’ah shit rock way out in the middle’ah the fuckin’ Nohrth Atlantic thanks tah his havin’ behaved like a goddamned robbah-bandit straight outtah Chahlestown’s glohry days when he should’ah been lookin’ aftah shit n’ takin’ cahr’ah things instead on the king’s behalf. But I guess gettin’ banished on a missionahry voyage tah Iceland still beats gettin’ blood-eagled by an enraged Nahwegian monahrch, that’s fahr fuckin’ sure. N’ fahr those’ah yah that don’t know what that is, the blood-eagle was a pretty fuckin’ hahrrific way tah die. What happens is you get your fuckin’ lungs ripped out through the backside’ah yah ribcage, which rips apaht all your vehrtebrae, n’ then your lungs flop down ontah the ground so as tah look like a couple’ah bloody bihrd wings. It’s supposed tah hurht like a fuckin’ bitch.
But anyways, Thangbrand doesn’t get his ass blood-eagled n’ instead shows up in Iceland’s Eastuhrn Fjohrds where he then goes lookin’ fahr this guy Hallr ‘cause Hallr’s supposed tah help him out, bein’ as he’s alsah a suppohrtah’ah King Olof even though he’s still livin’ beneath the hammah himself n’ still isn’t an actual Christian yet. N’ Hallr, he’s actually a pretty hospitable n’ laid-back kindah guy. I mean, he even sets up a tent fahr Thangbrand n’ his crew tah all camp out in on the beach, which sounds like a fuckin’ blast, right? Except that they actually camped out there all fuckin’ wintah long n’ the thing ‘bout medieval Iceland in the wintahtime is it’s even bleakah ‘en the outtah Cape at the same time’ah yee’ah n’ so it’s not like they were gettin’ fuckin’ shit-faced in trendy bahs downtown in Reykjavik n’ then prowlin’ the streets n’ howlin’ like a bunch’ah goddamned dehranged lunatics undah some fuckin’, I don’t know, sehrious lunah fohrce ah some shit while the sun’s still shinin’ at 3 fuckin’ a.m. ah whatevah.
But befohr wintah set in Thangbrand n’ his guys celebrated Michaelmas, which confused the hell outtah Hallr n’ his whole pagan household but still kindah impressed ‘em all at the same time with all the fancy clothes involved n’ all the rituals n’ shit, n’ so they eventually let ‘emselves get baptized latah r’on at Eastah. N’ then aftah that in the summah Thangbrand went ridin’ ‘round all ovah Iceland’s desolate fuckin’ glaciah’s n’ black mountain plateaus attemptin’ tah preach the faith n’ convehrt even mohr people. N’ yah know what? He didn’t even do half too fuckin’ bad, eithah. He did fall intah a sinkhole at one point which fucked up his hohrse n’ so that sucked, but othahwise his preachin’ was ‘bout as excitin’ as Franklin County n’ eventually when he got tah the mighty fuckin’ Skjálfandafljót Rivah, he just took one long look at it, felt his heahrt sink like the fuckin’ Titanic, n’ then went back home tah the beach tah drink mead n’ get shit-faced with his crew fahr the rest’ah the yee’ah.
But then some poets stahted talkin’ shit ‘bout him. N’ this was some real fuckin’ ridicule we’re talkin’ ’bout hee’ah, I mean these fuckin’ poets, they fuckin’ swahrmed his reputation with ridicule. I mean one’ah these fuckin’ poets even went so fahr as tah flat-out call Thangbrand a spineless wolf n’ declahr that not only was he a deviant who liked tah dress in elf-clothes n’ chase aftah skanky troll women, but that someone ought tah try muhrdah’in’ his ass fahr good measure. N’ well, wind’ah this gets back tah Thangbrand n’ what d’yah think he does? He goes n’ he straight up fuckin’ kills the bastahds! I mean, soon as he hee’ahs ‘bout all this offensive slandah, he gets one’ah his guys who’s bounded by allegiance to him n’ tahgethah they ride off n’ track down these fuckin’ poets, n’ then they muhrdah ‘em right where they’re fuckin’ standin’. N’ then they go back home tah their beach tent n’ settle in fahr the wintah like it was no big deal.