Woman of Color for hire is available for television pitches, corporate photo shoots, book proposals, or any other professional endeavor. She comes complete with the kind of long, unpronounceable, ethnic name sure to get your manuscript read.

She can double as the brown face of your startup. No matter how many hours you force your engineers to sit out in the sun with their laptops, they can’t get tan enough to pass for ethnically ambiguous anymore. People these days know the difference between tan and BROWN. But this REAL woman of color will make your Silicon Beach company more diverse.

Want to show off the tapestry of your personal circle to those coveted investors? She’ll bring her Black, Latina, and Asian friends to your intimate meditation circle. Homemade kombucha and bhindis for everyone. If she says it’s okay, it’s okay.*

Do you direct? Act? There may not be room for you on The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Love, or Westworld, but diversity quotas don’t apply here. She’ll rewrite your hipster rom-com as an authentic Pakistani-American drama, and will even let you cast her as the privileged protagonist’s friend.

She’ll get your foot in the door — or back in the door — to pitch your spec script. Her take on cultural appropriation will be a welcome break from your neurotic schtick. She’ll talk Beyoncé, Ta-Nehisi Coates, and James Baldwin for no extra charge.

Are you a recent college grad and with no industry experience? That internship is simply a referral-from-a-WOC-away. Put your trust-funded gender studies degree to work.

With the help of a WOC, white men no longer have to work twice as hard to make 30 percent more. Even in today’s gender-defying, colorful world. Make an appointment today!

Price: $1,000 an hour (will also accept Bitcoin)

*- Unless afterward she says it isn’t.