So now as if havin’ all these goddamned Yankees fans prowlin’ ‘round town’s not bad ‘nough, just tah make mattahs even wohrse some shitty ass boat made outtah a bunch’ah decayed toenails docks ovah next tah the aquahrium n’ lets loose the entiyah squad’ah those jehrk-off Habs while at the same time that fuckin’ fi’ah demon Roger Goodell jumps up from outtah the sewahs covah’d in piss n’ shit n’ stahts mahrchin’ down Chahrles Street flingin’ flamin’ feces like a dehranged monkey since he’s such a sick n’ twisted fuck. N’ so ah course Loki sees this shit n’ he’s like, “If that fuckin’ douchebag can manipulate the system n’ get away with it then so can I since I’m an actual evil fuckin’ god,” n’ so then he goes n’ he breaks his magical chains n’ escapes from that dahk cave up there somewheres in New Hampshuh n’ ends up hitchhikin’ his ass back all the way intah town.
So now yah got this hahhrible situation where all these fuckin’ freaks ahr stahtin’ tah convehrge on the Common n’ Heimdall who’s supposed tah be on the lookout fah this type’ah shit’s too busy buryin’ his sahhrows intah pint aaffftah fuckin’ pint’ah Hahpoon IPA ovah r’at at his favuhrite Irish pub on Beacon Street instead’ah standin’ out in front’ah the freedom trail visitah centah in his colonial atti’yah like he oughtah been, finally sees that goddamned sehrpent slithah right on by outside the window n’ he just ‘bout shits a brick but then he runs n’ he gets his special hohrn n’ stahts blowin’ on it like the fuckin’ British ahr comin’ so as tah wake Odin the fuck up since that guy’s been sleepin’ it off ovah r’on the steps’ah the library aftah he got shit-faced at McGreevys the night befohr when the nice young girl he was hittin’ on shot his wrinkly old ass down.
So now evuhyrone’s woken up n’s gettin’ ready, n’ all the gods ahr gearin’ up in their best suits’ah ahmah n’ Bobby Orr n’ Big Papi n’ Gronk n’ all the rest’ah Odin’s guys ahr lacin’ up in the lockah room n’ pretty soon they’re all stahtin’ tah stohrm outtah the Meadhall’s 500 doohrs straight on tahwahds the rivah n’—
Fuckin’ that one went right off the post!
You see that?
Seguin’s got a wicked good wristshot.
… but uh, yeah, so Odin’s guys, they’re all crossin’ the salt n’ peppah bridge now n’ so they meet up with Odin n’ Heimall n’ all the othah gods outside’ah MGH n’ tahgethah they all staht walkin’ tahwahrds the Common n’ Odin’s in the lead right next tah Ray Bourque who’s still carryin’ the Cup but Odin, he thought he’d mix it up a bit fah the occassion so instead’ah the usual wizahd robe he’s weahrin’ a Brady jehrsey with his Gandalf hat in honah’ah Tom who’s still havin’ tah sit this one out since he’s been fohrced tah chill out down in Hel evah since he got fucked ovah fah bein’ the best in the entiyah league by that same fuckin’ fi’ah demon who’s busy flingin’ shit all ovah Beacon Hill right now.
… well, Brady sits out the whole fuckin’ battle, but on the upside he suhrvives even aftah Goodell sets himself on fi’ah n’ accidentally buhrns down the entiyah fuckin’ univehrse… n’ then ah’couhrse he goes on tah win anothah Supahbowl aftahwahds!
Nah, I’m not sure what happens tah Gisele.
What the fuck’s wrong with you? Goodell’s a fuckin’ prick.
Ahr you fuckin’ sehrious?
Don’t even fuckin’ staht with me on this. I sweahr tah fuckin’ God…
I PUT A HOLE IN THE WALL OVAH R’AT THE RINK IN MALDEN!!!
Now that was a fuckin’ battle’ah epic prahpohrtions…
Valley Fahrum 2… IT’S THE FUCKIN’ SEQUEL!!!
Hey, hey!—see the way Chelsea’s lookin’ at me right now? HA!
Yeah, yah know, I don’t think she likes my Malden stahry very much even though it’s fuckin’ poignant n’ epic as fuck…
… yeah, yah know, she’s heahrd it befohr, lots’ah times, it’s a good stahry, sometimes it’s even kindah fuckin’ poetic, like if Robert Frost were tah have gotten ejected fahr fightin’ in a men’s D league hockey game n’ stahted ohratin’ Beowulf back in the lockah room just to let off some steam but then fuckin’ punched the wall anyways…
… well, ‘cause sometimes punchin’ the wall is just fuckin’ theauhrapeutic! I bet Robert Frost punched a shit-ton’ah walls back in his day. N’ then I bet he went n’ he mended ‘em like fuckin’ lunatic ah some shit, I don’t know…
… but yeah, so Odin—who really does love the Pats by the way—so now he’s makin’ his way through Beacon Hill n’ he’s really fuckin’ hopin’ that Shelley Long finished up her shift n’ got out safe n’ sound befohr that fuckin’ NFL commissionah showed up n’ stahted smeah’in’ the bah r’in human manoo’ah n’ it’s right ‘bout now that Thor finally wakes the fuck up from where he’s been sleepin’ it off ovah r’at the DD. So he gets his ass up n’ he gohrges himself on some frozen hash browns since at this point he’s just like who the fuck even cahres if they’re cold ah not, the wohrld’s ‘bout tah fuckin’ end n’ he needs some goddamned nourishment if he’s gonnah go n’ ahrm wrestle that piece-ah-shit Middle Earth sehrpent-snake fah r’once n’ fah r’all n’ so now he’s all cahb-loaded up n’ caffeinated outtah his fuckin’ mind n’ so he rushes out ovah tah where the gods n’ wahrriahs ahr prepahrin’ tah take the field n’ he joins up with his pop on the stahtin’ line n’ tahgethah they walk out ontah the couhrt at the Public Gahden with Larry Bird, Bill Russell, n’ John Havlicek since it’s time tah beat the fuckin’ shit outtah LA, n’—
YEAH THAT’S RIGHT!!! GET OFF THE ICE, CRAWFORD! GET YOUR ASS OFF THE FUCKIN’ ICE!!!
… ehhhh, n’ so the rest’ah the gods, they n’ their buddies, they all take the field on the Common n’ then they all just staht fuckin’ fightin’ their rivals, yah know? So like Heimdall n’ Loki, those two guys basic’ly just kill each othah right on the fuckin’ spot, right? N’ ovah r’at the Gahden the Lakahs fall tah the Celtics in 4 easy—
What the fuck?
… blow the fuckin’ lead…fuckin’ bullshit…
THERE’S HAHDLY EVEN A MINUTE LEFT IN THE FUCKIN’ GAME GUYS!!!
… ehh… but yeah, yah know, so poohr fuckin’ Frey, he gets knifed in the back by Goodell but then Mickey Ward winds up n’ clocks Goodell right in the fuckin’ face while at the same time Thor finally takes down the sehrpent but it sneezes a shit-ton’ah poison on him which ain’t the same as bee’ah n’ so Thor can’t handle it n’ he fuckin’ dies n’…uhh…
… Jesus fuckin’ Christ…
PASS THE FUCKING PUCK!!!
… so then the Green Monstah comes tah life n’ it sprouts some legs n’ stahts rampagin’ down Boyston Street like a fuckin’ wahr machine, squashin’ evuhry evil fuckin’ frost giant that crosses it’s fuckin’ path! But then the real crazy thing is that—while this is happenin’, Odin gets eaten alive by the fuckin’ wolf! I sweahr tah fuckin’ God, that piece’ah-shit canine swallahs Odin whole like he’s nothin’ but a bunch’ah soft fuckin’ peanut buttah ah somethin’. But then Teddy Williams rises up from outtah the Pahk Street T-Station n’ rips a homah straight through the wolf’s fuckin’ skull n’ drops that bastahd like a non-rhotic R in an ovahdone stereotype n’ uh…
Christ, this isn’t lookin’ good…
… so then, uhhh, ok, so fuckin’ Goodell—who truly, truly fuckin’ hates himself—finally sets himself on fi’ah but then he trips n’ impales himself on his own fuckin’ swohrd since no one likes him n’ so now that whole fi’ah spreads like a fuckin’ wild fi’ah across the hub n’ the entiyah univehrse buhrns tah a fuckin’ crisp!
Yeah, yah know, since we’ve had such a drought this sum—
STOP DICKING AROUND WITH THE FUCKING PUCK!!!
… n’ so yeah, the entiyah fuckin’ univerhse buhrns n’ so ah’courhse all the Nova Scotians ahr bawlin’ their fuckin’ eyes out ‘cause there just went all their fuckin’ Christmas trees n’—
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?
… what the fuck?
… Goddamnit, Tuuka!
How the fuck did that happen?
HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN?!?
I can’t watch this.
This is fuckin’ bullshit. I can’t watch this…
I’m goin’ home.
This is bullshit.
Fuck this shit.
Hey, what’d yah say yah name was ‘gain?