I need your help. You see, I used to cast my vote for the candidate who seemed like someone I could have a beer with. That was all fine and good back then, but times have changed. I’m now looking for a candidate who tells it like it is.

Can you help me?

I’m searching for a candidate who uses short sentences with simple words, like maybe one to three words max. Because, hi, regular American people don’t think or talk in paragraphs. Also, none of this long form mumbo jumbo about “actual policies” or “literally just give us even two details about how you’ll achieve any of this tremendous, classy magic you claim you’ll perform on this country” Show me a candidate who speaks plain — and I mean real plain — E-N-G-L-I-S-H!

Preferably this dream candidate would repeat the most meaningless stock phrases over and over again, to the delight of the Ku Klux Klan and roadside sign makers everywhere. I’d especially feel favorable towards a candidate who doubles down on insults when cornered. Heard of anyone like that?

I’m looking for a candidate who can bring sexism and misogyny out of the shadows and into the bright light of day. I’m hoping this candidate will make many, many remarks about women’s bodies and faces and what’s good and not good about them. I know what you’re thinking, you’re probably wondering, “Wait, aren’t YOU a woman?” and while liberals like to throw around the phrase “internalized misogyny” when they meet me, I just tell them that that sounds like something they should have checked out at the clinic. I should know, I was just there. Anyway, if you know of anyone who could put women down in about a hundred different ways and make them feel incredibly unsafe and concerned about the future, sign me up.

Related to that, I like a candidate who puts women in their place because I’m a woman and I seriously need someone to tell me what my place is. Is my place here? Is it over there? Someone tell me! I’m also open to suggestions of where I could be grabbed without my consent. I’d personally assume “arm,” but I’m ready for a highly immoral and illegal game changer of an answer. To add on to that, I would owe you big time if you could recommend a candidate who has a creepy and public attraction to one of his daughters while publicly shunning his other daughter. That’d just be perfect. Here, write his name down on this Post-it note here.

I’m hoping to find a candidate who brings back what used to make America great — belittling people. It was funny in 8th grade and it’s funny now! So if you could track down a candidate who likes to insult people when it comes to their gender, race, ethnicity, physical ability, marriage status, eggheadedness and/or even just their imaginary slights, comments, or qualities, I’d really appreciate it. Bonus points if the mood created by those insults also carries with it a halo of future physical harm by this candidate’s supporters. Bring all that great American stuff back and my vote is as good as cast.

I’m also in the market for a candidate who lies and I do mean LIES. None of this little white lies business or political “spin,” I’m looking for a candidate who really puts his back into it. You know, someone who doesn’t know how to wear pants that aren’t completely engulfed in fire. The kind of candidate who just smirks, tells a lie that quite literally everyone knows is a lie, and then leans back and watches his favorability ratings go up. Know anyone like that? If so, please write his name on this piece of paper and slide it across the table to me like we’re doing some kind of big shot business deal.

Additionally, I’d like to find a candidate who will work closely with other governments, say, the Russian government for example. My ideal candidate would find ways to bring people into our political process who have proven capable of reaching across the globe to poison and kill people who have crossed them. If you’ve heard of a candidate who meets these requirements, could you have him call me? I just know it’ll be a him.

If you’re familiar with a candidate who could put this country in a more precarious position, both domestically and internationally, that’d be amazing. I’d prefer this candidate to be a loose cannon of the highest order, maybe someone who’d suggest something zany like banning an entire religious group and would send people scurrying to Google as if it’s a crystal ball, furiously tapping away on their keyboards something like, “Is this how the Holocaust started?” So if you come across someone like that, text me.

Oh, I almost forgot, if this candidate could be exceptionally thin-skinned and incapable of counting to ten before responding that would just hit the nail on the head for me. Someone who is highly irrational while also being highly reactionary is, to me, the ideal candidate for the most powerful office in the land. “Shoot first on 5th Avenue and ask questions later,” that’s what I always say. If you’ve heard through the grapevine of this kind of elusive and media shy candidate, do tell.

Lastly — and this is really a deal breaker if it can’t happen — I’m especially in the market for a candidate who has the potential to incite so much chaos and global unrest that the Earth will careen off of its axis, get sucked into a death orbit, and be sent hurtling straight into the sun, much to the profound relief of all of its inhabitants.

If you’ve got any recommendations along those lines, give me a shout. I’ll be waiting with race-baited breath.