In Which King Gylfi of Sweden
Learns about the Fimbulwinter
So like I ’as telling yah, Thor’s been passed out, yah know, just sleepin’ it off undah some wicked deep pile’ah snow on the side’ah the road ovah by Haymahket since fuckin’ Saint Patty’s Day but then he fin’ly wakes the fuck up ‘cause now his stomach’s stahtin’ tah growl n’ he needs tah eat some food fahr’is fuckin’ hangovah. So he digs himself outtah his snow mound n’ he goes n’ he stumbles on ovah tah the neah’est street cohrnah tah get his food but then it tuhrns out that the DD is FUCKIN’ CLOSED SINCE THE ENTIYAH FUCKIN’ CITY’S SHUTDOWN LIKE THE WINTAH’AH 2015 NEVAH EVEN FUCKIN’ ENDED.
Now natruhlly this is some real heahrt-breakin’ news fah poohr Thor since he’s fuckin’ stahvin’ but just tah be clee’ah, he doesn’t give a rat’s ass ‘bout the snow. This is fuckin’ Thor we’re talkin’ ‘bout hee’ah! FUCKIN’ THOR!!! HE FUCKIN’ THRIVES ON THIS SHIT. ICE, SNOW, SLUSH, ROAD SALT, MUD SEASON, FUCKIN’ WHATEVAH…I MEAN HE’S FUCKIN’ FROM THE LAND OF THE ICE N’ SNOW…AND HIS HAMMAH WILL DRIVE OUR SHIPS TO NEW LANDS!!!
TO FIGHT THE HORDE, SINGIN’ N’ CRYIN’, VALLLHALLLL—
OH COME ON, CHELSEA—CHELSEA!!!
…yeah …but… COME ON!
Man, she really fuckin’ hates it when I staht gettin’ the led out…
Yeah, yah should’ah seen her this one time when I launched intah Livin’ Lovin’ Maid She’s Just a Woman right after she told me tah get out haha—NOW THAT REALLY GOT HER FUCKIN’ PISSED! HA! I actually thought I was gonnah be banned from the bah r’aftah that one. She definitely was NOT showin’ me a whole lotta love that day.
But in terhms’ah tempahs, fuckin’ no one tops Thor. Fuckin’ no one. He’s got an even shohrtah fuse ‘en Terry O’Reilly but he doesn’t have tah go n’ climb on ovah the boahrds just tah staht a fuckin’ fight with the fans ‘cause he’s gottah couple’ah demented goats that’ll do all the climbin’ fahr him. N’ he can fuckin’ whip out Mjolnir whenevah the fuck he feels like!
Mjolnir? It’s his—
It’s not his dick. It’s his hammah.
HIS HAMMAH IS NAMED MJOLNIR. WITH A FUCKIN’ R AT THE END.
I don’t know what his dick is named. Maybe Thor Jr.? Ah how ‘bout Lil’ Thundahstick? Yah know, since he’s the thundah god n’ all…
…well I don’t know but could be, bein’ as he’s a fuckin’ gingah n’ all… yeah, Hollywood got that one WAY FUCKIN’ OFF. Fuckin’ mohrons.
Well, yeah so he’s fuckin’ stahvin’ since he ain’t eaten since he blacked out back in Mahch n’ so now he whips out his Mjolnir so as tah break intah the fuckin’ DD.
Because he wants to eat all the breakfast sandwiches! The guy’s fuckin’ stahved! I TOLD YOU THIS ALREADY. He ain’t eaten since Mahch n’ he doesn’t give a flyin’ fuck ‘bout ahrganic ah locally grown whatevah. He just wants a GODDAMNED BREAKFAST SANDWICH IS ALL. N’ alsah maybe a donut ah two.
Yeah, so he uses his magic hammah—NOT HIS DICK—tah break n’ entah intah the DD like a fuckin’ delinquint but then he realizes that he doesn’t know how tah opahrate the special oven n’ all the sandwiches are frozen fuckin’ solid n’ so he sits his ass down n’ he stahts cryin’ n’ eventually he falls tah sleep n’ so now he’s layin’ there on the street, snoozin’ like some homeless bastahd when his ahchnemesis the Middle Earth Demon Sehrpent Snake ah whatevah the fuck that thing is, suddenly wakes up n’ rises up from OUTTAH THE OCEAN. N’ next thing yah know this goddamned dejehnahrut reptile’s slithah’in his way on up tah sho’ah ovah r’at Revee’ah Beach so he can fill up on some roast beef sandwiches befohr stahtin’ on his killin’ spree downtown.
Now this would not’ah happened had Thor gotten the fuckin’ nourishment he needed! THOR FUCKIN’ RUNKIN ON DUNKIN!!! Ah somethin’ like that…I don’t know, but sounds good, right? Shit, I bet that slogan’d sure as hell sell some extra Big N’ Toasties if yah ask me.
But yeah, so the poohr fuckin’ guy’s passed out from malnourishment and so now there’s no one tah stop the fuckin’ snake who’s at this point bahrrelin’ down 1A like he’s runnin’ late fah r’a fuckin’ flight. Now at the EXACT same time as this, Loki’s othah jehrk-off son, the Fenriswolf, busts outtah his chains from up off the coast’ah Maine somewhere n’ so now that guy’s drivin’ down 95 like a fuckin’ whackjob in zero visibility white-out conditions ‘cause the snow’s comin’ down like a fuckin’ bitch. N’ not that it really mattahs anyways since no one can see ‘em anymohr anyway due tah the fuckin’ blizzahd conditions out there but anothah couple’ah wolves just jumped up from outtah fuckin’ nowhere n’ swallah’d the sun n’ the moon, so now the sky’s just all totally gone tah shit. N’ tah fuckin’ top it all off, down ovah r’at South Station the Amtrak crashes intah the commutah rail n’ lets loose a shit-ton’ah asshole New Yohrkahs who ahr now stahtin’ tah—oh shit—shit—shit—SHIT!!!
LUCIC, YOU BEAUTIFUL MOTHERFUCKER YOU!!!
SUCK ON THAT CRAWFORD!!! SUCK ON THAT!!!
We got the lead man, man!
WE GOT THE LEAD!!!