Now not a whole fuckin’ lot is known ‘bout this Stefnir guy from back befohr he got mixed up in Olaf’s whole missionahry entahprise but what we do know bout him is that he was ahriginally from Iceland himself n’ his dad was Torgils, n’ Torgils’ dad was Eilifr, n’ Eilifr’s dad was Helgi, n’ Helgi’s dad was some guy who’s been fuckin’ fahgotten ‘bout. So, Stefnir, even though he might not’ah been Boston Irish, he still somehow ended up in Ireland with Olaf anyway. N’ I don’t know if he pissed Olaf off ah what, but one day aftah they’d been back in Nahway awhile Olaf decides tah send his sahrry ass on ovah tah Iceland tah try n’ convehrt the locals since that’s basic’ly like what Olaf’s main hobby was at the time, sending guys tah Iceland tah do convehrsionahry type shit n’ whatnot n’ then watchin’ ‘em fuckin’ fail. Which was the case with Thorvald n’ the bishop. Those guys fuckin’ failed hahrrably n’ at this time Olaf still didn’t know that Thangbrand was behavin’ like an outtah control jackass out in the westehrn fjohrds, so poohr Stefnir ends up bein’ the sohrry son’ah bitch who gets shafted with the shit job.
N’ tah make mattahs wohrse fahr Stefnir, even though the guy’s ahriginally from Iceland himself, he hasn’t been back home fahr fuckin’ yee’ahs on end n’ so no one there even trusts him anymohr n’ so ah’couhrse none’ah ‘em bothah’d tah ride down tah Asa Bay tah greet him when he landed eithah. This wasn’t the Iceland’ah nowadays where pretty much anything goes n’ the locals like havin’ all sohrts’ah intahnational dumbasses show up just so that they can swindle ’em outtah their touhrist dollahs since outdoohrsy touhrism has become trendy in rich countries. This was back befohr the geothehrmal powah plants had all been built n’ Iceland was still populated by a bunch’ah supahstitious pagans who wohrshipped a red-beehrded god’ah thundah, n’ wind, n’ rain n’ who liked tah decapitate magical oxen whenevah he was havin’ a bad fuckin’ haihr day. So needless tah say, the Icelandahs weren’t too impressed when Stefnir refused tah spend thousands’ah dollahs on guided skimobile tou’ahrs n’ snohrklin’ expeditions n’ instead just attempted tah baptize their pagan asses in their own fi’ah n’ ice. Tah which they responded by ignoh’in’ his sahhry ass.
N’ Stefnir’s nevah been the most well-adjusted charactah from the ancient sagas, though tah be faihr, that ain’t really sayin’ much. I mean, he’s basic’ly just av’rage. N’ so he does what any othah r’av’rage joe in medieval Scandinavia would have done in the exact same situation, which was tah blow a fuckin’ gasket one day n’ then go fuckin’ behrsehrk n’ vandalize evuhry fuckin’ thing in sight.
So what yah got now is this situation where the locals ahr all pissed that this prodigal son’ah bitch’s just desecrated n’ destroyed their favuhrite fuckin’ idol’ah a one-eyed old man bein’ all suicidal n’ shit n’ so they’re gettin’ their weapons n’ kindling all tahgethah so that they can rain some sehrious blood, fi’ah, n’ death down on this fuckin’ blasphemah but they’re slow as shit n’ so the crazy bastahd ends up slippin’ away n’ runnin’ off tah where his relatives live in Kjalarnes.
So now he’s hidin’ out there, a complete n’ total fuckin’ failure at bein’ a missionahry, n’ then a stohrm comes in n’ it just fuckin’ pounds this shit outtah his ship since he’d left it out exposed on the beach since they didn’t have any propah hahbahs ah docks ah shit in rural Iceland back in those days. N’ so natuhrally all the pagan guys are all like, “Fuckin’ Thor man, yeah!!!” Since they figyah this stohrm proves Thor’s undeniable dominance ovah the skies n’ bad weathah n’ blacksmithahry.
N’ then when Thor finally stops flashin’ his silvah fuckin’ hammah ‘round at the clouds tah go kill some mohr evil giants somewheres off tah the east, Stefnir goes down tah the beach tah repaihr his boat n’ then he crawls back tah his cross that he keeps at his relatives’ house n’ just generuhly goes back tah hidin’ out n’ fahr awhile it seems like maybe evuhyrone’s just gonnah fahget ‘bout the whole fuckin’ ohrdeal n’ let bygones by bygones. But that’s just fuckin’ wishful thinkin’, ‘cause latah that summah at the Althing at the Law Rock, all the Icelandahs decided tah declahr a new law that required the relatives of Christians to pehrsecute the Christians in their family for blasphemy. So in othah wohrds, Stefnir was fucked.
Nothing like manipulatin’ the law tah bring shame on the family’ah people you don’t like! Human natuhr nevah really changes much does it? But in the case’ah this new, medieval law there were alsah lots’ah othah technicalities and complications, all’ah which had tah due with the degree’ah relation which the family membahs needed tah be in ohrdah tah be legally required tah sue their Christian relative, all’ah which in tuhrn had tah do with money. ‘Cause no one wanted some distant 5th cousin gettin’ the couhrt ohrdah’d proceeds but no one wanted brothah suein’ brothah eithah n’ stahtin’ some dumb blood feud either—which Icelandahs were especially fuckin’ prone to—so it was a fine line’ah familial strife that they were strivin’ aftah.
N’ as yah can imagine, Stefnir’s relatives sue his ass n’ so he gets slapped with a fuckin’ legal couhrt ohrdah tah vacate the premises’ah Iceland effective immediatley n’ so he set sets ‘bout doin’ that n’ right befohr he finally depahts fahr his home jouhrney, he decides tah slandah the whole fuckin’ country one last time n’ so he basic’ly calls it a godforsaken shithole that’s gonnah get bitch-slapped by fate one day pretty soon.
N’ then he goes back tah Nahway n’ tells Olaf the bad news who’s just kindah gettin’ used tah it by now. But then at ‘round the same time wohrd finally gets back to Olaf that Thangbrand’s been goin’ ‘round, mahraudin’ all ovah the place n’ settin’ the sho’ahs in flames all up n’ down the coast in his own damn country. N’ so Olaf calls Thangbrand in n’ tells that crazy Saxon bastahd that in ohrdah tah make amends fahr his crimes ‘gainst the state, he’s gonnah have tah sail off tah Iceland himself n’ finally get the fuckin’ convehrsion done fah’real this time.
Art by Matt Smith