Now that we’re vaccinated, I’m going to go insane. I’m talking tonight, you and me, shots on shots, blacking out, dancing until dawn… well, maybe not tonight, tonight because I did make a really heavy dinner and am feeling kind of “bleh.”

But next weekend, no doubt, it’s gonna be balls-to-the-walls wild. I’m talking reservations for ten, renting a party bus, drinking sweat off a stranger’s clavicle, and throwing up in an UberPool home. Seriously, I’m free any night next weekend, except for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, of course. I’m baking bread at that time, and there’s just a very specific science to when it needs folding.

But the weekend after that? Oh my god! Mother have mercy! We’re gonna party like it’s 199—

Oh, you know what? And I really hate to do this, but I have this puzzle that I have yet to finish. Last spring, I joined a puzzle subscription where I get a new puzzle on the first of every month, and once you fall behind it’s a slippery slope. I’m talking puzzles bleeding into other puzzles — it’s just anarchy.

But by the next weekend? Oh, forget about it! I’ll be clawing to get out of the house and Tinder it up! If this past year has taught me anything, it’s that we humans need sex whenever it’s available! Besides, who knows how long this vaccine will last? Gotta bank up on coital memories while the iron’s hot. I’m talking a dinner date at seven, different drinks date by nine, booty call another lucky hottie at midnight, and finally cruise a park around three. Damn, I’m exhausted lying in bed, wearing sweatpants, on hour three of TikTok just thinking about it!

Except, you know what? And this one really is on me, but I am in the process of doing some super promising and deep inner work, where I can finally focus on my needs and actually get to know myself for the first time in my life, and to bring someone into that, even just for an hour, would be a really unfair experience to the both of us.

But, check your calendar… where are we now? Oh, it’s mid-April? That’s a hard no-can-do. Yep, I’m staring at my iCal, and it’s just a string of Zoom weddings, Zoom birthday parties, Zoom brisses—

Yeah, still doing the Zoom thing. No, all these events are totally happening in person; I’m just so swamped and have requested to be conferenced in via laptop that will be set down on a random chair. Also, I told myself by Earth Day I’d finally get around to watching Frasier.

How about we just jump to May. Which, now as I’m saying it out loud, is high allergy season. Sadly, I’m just gonna have to bunker down at home. “Quarantine,” as all the news outlets say, and stock up on Allegra like it’s Lysol. Trust me, I’ll be on more drugs than our friends at the Coney Island Memorial Day Rave, which again, I’m so sorry, but I cannot attend.

Hmm… where does that put us now? The end of May? And that’s another puzzle. Yeah, crunch puzzle time. Right back where we started. That month you actually get two smaller ones, but still difficult nevertheless…

… Sorry, are you still there? Oh, okay cool. Yeah, no, there was a long string of disappointed-sounding breathing, and then it abruptly stopped. I thought maybe you got hit by a bus, which would be terrible because then we could never hang out! Oh, you’re just tired? Come on, wake up! This is our roaring twenties! It’s time to live life to the fullest! I’m talking shots on shots, skinny dipping at the Playboy Mansion, jumping out of a plane high on ketamine, screaming “SEIZE THE DAY!” Not today in the literal sense, obviously, but the date we eventually land on.

Let’s just check in over the summer. Trust me — I hear it’s gonna be insane.