What the?! My sports team lost?! But how?! It must be… because the opposing team won? Oh jeez… I hate them! I think I really genuinely hate them! Anyone who is wearing colors that I’m not wearing has personally offended me, and now I’m going to yell very loud at them!


There’s no way the people I don’t like are better at throwing balls than the people I do like. My people are the best, which is why I like them. So frustrating!

I don’t even know how to channel my searing-hot hatred. All of the players on my team are babies for losing, and I’m mad at them. The players of the other team are jerks for winning, and I’m really very very mad at them. And that coach of theirs? What a schmuck! I’ve heard rumors about how much he gets paid… and I disagree with the deservedness of the amount! Nobody whom I personally dislike should be able to receive a paycheck I don’t personally approve of! And everyone who doesn’t care is an enemy who deserves taunting!

Sigh. Perhaps one of these next few days when the people I like are better at running and throwing things than the team they match up against, I’ll be happy. But I’m still so mad! I could do a better job coaching, playing, and owning my favorite team, probably. I’m no expert but I’m pretty damn good at retrospectively figuring out why things went wrong. I’m really bummed because I remember asking God to win this game, so either he doesn’t exist or he hates my team. I’m not sure which is worse. Not winning is impossible!

Since I’m in control of my emotions and don’t ever project insecurities or shortcomings into my interest in sports, I can predict that I’ll be happy and normal again after several alcoholic beverages and a restless night in my team-themed pajamas. I plan to tune into my favorite TV channel and listen to other frustrated men (in suits) talk about how good or bad people are at running and throwing in the morning — here’s hoping I agree with them! If I don’t, they are wrong and I’m better at determining how good people can do things with balls and stuff.

I win, always!