The Harvey Wallbuilder
Vodka, orange juice, and Galliano L’Autentico, garnished with an IOU from Mexico.
140 ounces of all caps, exclamation points, and petty complaints. Best served at 3 AM with typos.
A Shot of Bannon
Mix pure evil, bad skin, rheumy eyes, and domestic abuse with white nationalism and fascism. Stir until you develop Cirrhosis of the Soul.
Muslims Go! Mojito
Create the most delicious, welcoming drink 200 years ago. Then decide in 2017 that it’s for Christians only. Sorry!
Gin and Panic
Gin consumed directly from bottle while sitting in a dark closet reading news alerts on iPhone.
Bloody Mary Bleeding Out of Her Wherever
Tomato juice and vodka, served with a jumbo tampon that was not procured at a local Planned Parenthood office.
Bitter orange juice mixed with the only black liqueur the orange juice has ever tolerated.
Grab the Pussy on the Beach
A short-fingered pour.
Pre-existing Condition on the Rocks
Crushed Tylenol dropped into a large glass of whiskey. This is also now your Primary Care physician.
Lime juice, with enough tequila to make you forget that you lost the popular vote and then declared yourself Bartender of the World.
St. Petersburg Ice Tea
Send email to your mother on a private server asking for recipe. Answer will be sent to you from a “Mrs. Nice Lady American Person Who Is Not Spy.”
The Kellyanne Cosmo
Vodka, Triple Sec, and not even a splash of compassion or morality. Prepare while wearing a garish red, white, and blue Teddy Bear costume.
White Russian Election Rigger
Coffee-flavored liquor and ice. Sip while simultaneously giving Putin his massage and Assange his foot rub.
The Really Really Old Fashioned
Bourbon on the rocks. Add a splash of Jeff Sessions bitters, then enjoy while the women are in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant.
Hot Toddy Planet
Whisky, honey, and enough hot water to melt all the glaciers that aren’t really melting because climate change is a myth, you liberal moron.
Tell dancing fool/Secretary of Energy Rick Perry to put tequila, OJ, and grenadine syrup in a blender, then accidentally push the red button for the nuclear arsenal instead of the mix button. You’ll never know what hit you!