These days, politicians rarely come through on their campaign promises. After you elected me to congress, perhaps some of you thought I too would fail to follow through. Well, its clear that I have proved you wrong. I promised to be spineless and go along with anything that violated my principles for mere political convenience, and today, barely a month into the new year, I have achieved that promise.
I’ll always remember taking the oath of office, vowing to uphold the Constitution except in times when the party line directly contradicted both of those documents. The look on my son’s face when I kowtowed to the party line and gave up my last shred of courage is something I’ll never forget. Hey, son. You want to see what bold, brave leadership looks like? Too bad.
From the unconstitutional travel ban from Muslim countries, to the repeal of the Affordable Care Act without a viable replacement, to the reckless enabling of an unstable president, I have stood up for my principles of immediately rolling over. Some might wonder why I’ve been been such a cowardly wuss. Am I scrabbling for votes from racists and xenophobes? Of course. Am I directly contradicting things I said during the primary? You betcha. Will I go down in the history books as someone who couldn’t stand up for what’s right no matter the cost? Sure, but at least I’ll be in the history books, folks.
On the topic of historical records: History has always smiled kindly upon those who blindly went along with whatever was expedient and easy, so I can’t wait to be put up in a place of honor at the Hall of the Backboneless, between such greats as Paul Ryan, Reince Priebus, and Mitch McConnell. If you look in the dictionary next to the word “shameless,” you know what you’ll see? The definition of the word “shameless.” That should help you understand these men’s guiding principles.
This past week, on Holocaust Remembrance Day, people said we would never again let something like that happen. Of course, I agree. Never again — unless opposing racist measures would require an ounce of effort and political capital. We must never forget the suffering of those millions murdered, unless it’s a different group, in which case: fuck ’em. These are the lessons our Nazi-fighting ancestors passed down to us so we could decry the punching of Nazis.
My constituents, I work for you. I represent what you want, and when you elected me you made it clear you wanted someone who would look out for himself and rake in all that sweet re-election cash. Besides, it would be a lot of effort for you to come all the way to Washington and do what I do every day: nod, say the president must have “meant that metaphorically,” direct questions to party leadership, and scurry away to my multi-million dollar condo.
Finally, if you don’t like the job I’m doing, well you just can vote me out in 2018. Ha-ha — just kidding. Midterms are boring. See you in thirty years when I retire!