I see you have a Star Wars shirt on, so now you must prove to me, a random man, that you’re a real Star Wars fan. I’m going to need you to name all twelve movies, eight models of X-wing, and three of its actors you have harassed so severely they left social media.

What do you mean that you think the movies and Disney+ shows are “pretty fun”? There is no room for moderate opinions when it comes to the puppet space movies. You are either an authentic Star Wars aficionado like me, or you’re a charlatan, trying to co-opt our glamorous image.

Being a Star Wars fan isn’t about loving the movies or appreciating the hard work and artistry that goes into making them. It’s about taking every single change to a movie franchise you liked as a child as a vicious personal attack.

What I’m doing is for the greater good. I’m trying to save Star Wars. Why would you want a BAFTA-winning actor like John Boyega when you could have a different actor, one that doesn’t remind me that society has moved forward and left me behind. Also, while I’m at it, it’s not realistic to have Asian women in space. It is a scientific fact that most people who live in that galaxy far, far away are white men with British accents and haircuts from the ’70s.

You know what really gets my goat? The fact that it’s so easy these days to cyberbully cast members, yet you do nothing. Back in 1999, actors didn’t have Twitter or Instagram profiles, so I had to make do with mailing hateful letters to Jake Lloyd (the child that single-handedly ruined The Phantom Menace with his performance as Anakin Skywalker). The money I spent on postage alone nearly ruined me.

What’s that? How can I describe myself as a Star Wars fan when I seem to hate everything about the films? The same way I can describe myself as a straight man even though I hate women. I have dedicated my life to developing an encyclopedic knowledge of all Star Wars media and ephemera. And not just the movies, I’ve watched the Ewoks animated series that ruined the franchise, collected the special edition re-releases that ruined the franchise, and played the Angry Birds’ Star Wars game that ruined the franchise.

What do you mean I should write my own movie if I am so sure of the creative choices that need to be made? Have you seen how artists are treated these days? I don’t want to risk getting threats and harassment from psychopaths on the internet. No thank you. I can’t believe you have such disregard for the safety of the stranger accosting you for liking a movie in the wrong way.

I’m not ruining this party; you’re ruining this party the same way that Kelly Marie Tran ruined The Last Jedi. If you think this is bad, you should see how I act when I’m hiding behind my fake profile of Raptors88—I mean, LoganJohn92—I mean, never mind. I don’t have any fake profiles.

Anyway, now that we’ve established a mutual interest, would you like to go on a date with me?