Now that “no quid pro quo” is suffering from rigor mortis, Trump’s defenders need a new talking point to repeat ad nauseam while dodging affidavits and pulling alibis out of their rectum intestinum. Here are some potential slogans they can use, since obfuscating issues is the only time they won’t deport something for being Latin.

“No Carpe Diem!”

The President has never seen the 1989 drama Dead Poets Society that popularized this phrase due, largely due to him not making a cameo in the film. Furthermore, not only has he never seized the day, he has aides constantly watching him to ensure that he doesn’t seize anything, as well as lawyers on retainer to call any woman claiming otherwise a politically-motivated liar.

“No Veni, Vidi, Vici!”

Trump would have come, seen, and conquered, but he had bone spurs (os calcaribus in Latin).

“No Carthago Delenda Est!”

Unlike Sleepy Liddle’ Cato the Elder, Trump has never once called for the destruction of Carthage, an important ally led by a militaristic general whom Trump has called “very strongly talented” and “a better elephant-handler than Obama.”

“No Cave Canem!”

This is a faux Latin phrase that pretentious homeowners put on fences to tell people “Beware of the dog,” but it certainly is not applicable to President Trump. He is one of the only recent presidents to not have a presidential pet, because he treats the people who work for him as animals that he can dominate.

“No Nosferatu!”

While Trump’s private lawyer Rudy Giuliani resembles the titular star of F.W. Murnau’s 1922 German vampire film, this is inaccurate because his closest advisers hold the views of Germans from the 1930s.

“No Quiero Taco Bell!”

Trump is aware this phrase isn’t Latin, although no one has mustered the courage to tell him what language it is.

“No E Pluribus Unum!”

This one’s been painfully obvious from day one.

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Watch Frank Lesser’s short animated series You’re Not a Monster about a therapist for monsters (Eric Stonestreet) who’s being mentored by his vampire great-great-grandfather (Kelsey Grammer), on Amazon Prime and IMDb.