Paid for By the Committee to Re-Elect Gralp.
Greetings! And please don’t be alarmed. Gralp is not currently enraged. He is tired after peeling back the top of a school bus like a can of sardines and eating the children inside like sardines.
Sardines anyone? Just kidding! Gralp hates sardines, and anyone who says otherwise is a liar, like Grog, who once characterized Gralp’s healthcare plan as “all about eating sick people.”
Gralp would never eat sick people.
That’s why Gralp needs your help! Corporate dollars and fear of being eaten are changing the way people vote for their Supreme Overlord.
With your generous support, Friends of Gralp can fight back with TV advertisements and an enormous bottle of steak sauce that will help Gralp eat Grog.
The past four years have been a real challenge. When Grog Sr. was eaten by Gralp, the economy was in shambles, healthcare costs were skyrocketing, and Grog Sr. was holding a spear, which got lodged between Gralp’s upper-left bicuspids, putting a lot of pressure on his enormous canine teeth and giving him a headache.
Four years later, that spear is gone. So is the headache. And most of the economy and the healthcare system were eaten by Gralp minutes after he arrived home from a Pink Floyd Laser Light show.
What will four more years of Gralp look like? Imagine a massive scaly hill slowly moving up and down in synch with a smelly, wheezy wind. That is Grog’s overstuffed belly laboring to push in and out through shallow breaths, and it’s a pretty close approximation of what four more years of Grog will look like, plus a killer Roger Waters’ backing groove, minus blood-crusted talons and terrible farts.
Will that be good for your family, women, and the middle class? Honestly, that depends on how you feel about Grog, really trippy Floyd, being eaten, and what you’re bringing to the table, because neither Gralp nor Grog is going to step into the fire-forged, bone-built, brain-spackled ruler’s throne and change your life with an eye-watering stink bomb or stab of a razor-sharp talon. They’re going to need you to help set the tone, and the dinner table, and buy and open the steak sauce due to their dexterity issues and laziness. But it could be worth it. You might not get eaten. And your children might not get eaten. Some of the middle class will definitely be eaten. And women. Women always seem to get eaten.
So support Gralp. Or Grog. But definitely remember to stay involved, carry steak sauce, and watch out when the people on top are huge and incredibly powerful because they’ll either eat you or stink up your life for no reason, especially if you’re a woman.
SUGGESTED READSMcCain’s Rejected Robo-Call Scripts
by Jason Silverstein (10/27/2008)
So You Want to Be President?: Point Breaking Point
by John Warner (3/4/2008)
So You Want to Be President?: No Country for Anyone
by John Warner (3/18/2008)
RECENTLYDenny’s Kid’s Menu Editorial Board: Trump is Unfit for the Presidency
by Pete Lynch (9/30/2016)
I’m a Political Journalist With 500 Words Due and Nothing Left to Say
by Zack Bornstein (9/30/2016)
Listicles For People Exactly Like You: 18 Signs Your Grandmother is Actually Ruby Hollis
by Rufi Thorpe (9/30/2016)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/22/2016)
Spring Forward, Fall Into Perpetual Darkness
by Sarah Hutto (9/22/2016)
Our Tiny Home is Revolutionizing How My Wife and I Fight
by Daniel Carrillo (9/21/2016)