None of you have written in two months. Out of nowhere, you stop. That’s fine. As my high-school guidance counselor used to say, “I don’t care if you blow it, because I’ve already graduated. So, you can continue to cut class then hide in the library and drink, steal school property and deface it, steal medical marijuana from your grandparents and sell it to your so-called friends, shove the foreign-exchange student into the girls’ restroom then complain and whine when you get beaten up by him, remain in isolation as your grades plummet, drive your secondhand car around on the football field after drinking alone all night, raise money for menthol cigarettes by charging students a dollar to watch you staple the back of your own hand, and generally act like everything’s a joke … because you’re only hurting yourself.” Today, paper users, we will sit here and think about what happens when you don’t participate by asking for help with the problems you’re having. (Long pause for you to think.)

Also, we may watch a film about people who have problems and don’t reach out for help. A film mostly about methamphetamine addicts who don’t stick to their programs and work on their problems, but believe me when I say that paper problems and your sudden denial and refusal to reach out aren’t so different, my friend. (Another long pause so you can think about that as well.)

I suppose it may also be a good time to tell you a little bit about what’s going on with me. (Yes, surprise, America, I’m busy being a human being when not doling out tough love to the nation’s dot-net hoodlums who can’t get their act together with stationery and office supplies.)

A brief update, then:

1. Internet lover tears family apart.

2. Bear incident at cabin because of where I urinated.

That’s all for now, since apparently summer means you’re suddenly having no problems with paper and paper-related products. You can tell yourself whatever you want, but the bottom line is: I can’t help you until you get honest enough to admit you need help.

I’ll start a prayer chain for all of you—