From: Ty@gmail.com
Subject: Your Beanie Babies may be worth millions! Find out how much you could earn TODAY!
Does Platti the Platypus still have her plastic tag protector? You could be very rich! Download our Beanie Baby Resale Guide to see if Chocolate the Moose, Princess the Bear, and the Teenie Beanies from your McDonald’s Happy Meals secured you an early retirement.
From: lawsuits8@SealinoAndBarns.com
Subject: Did you lose your eyesight in a Hollister circa 2004? You may be eligible for a settlement
Hello,
Did you visit a Hollister location between 2001 and 2005? Did you spend hours squinting in total darkness while searching for your size in endless piles of XXX-Small? Do you now wear corrective lenses? You may be entitled to compensation.
Find out how much you may be owed by logging into our Secure Lawsuit Portal. Your username is your email address, and your password is your social security number.
From: themall@bringbackthemall.com
Subject: FLASH SALE! Butterfly clips, slap bracelets, and free ear piercings from a sixteen-year-old at Claire’s
Act fast before this sale is over! Enter your debit card and pin number here to redeem.
From: SeparatedAtBirth89@aol.com
Subject: Do you dip your Oreos in peanut butter and have a picture of your mom ripped right down the middle? We may be long-lost twins
This might sound wild, but I think we’re twins separated at birth! If you wire me money for a plane ticket, I’ll explain everything in person. Act fast—our dad is about to get remarried to a twenty-year-old gold digger!
From: maryevans78@AOOOL.com
Subject: Prepare to have all your old away messages published online, xOSpAcEJaMLoVeR90
Greetings,
I hacked your AIM account and am prepared to release the damaging information I have found.
Reply with your credit card info today.
If you don’t cooperate, I will publicly reveal which Creed lyrics you chose to capture the pain of not being added to your middle school crush’s Top 8 on MySpace.
Best Regards.
From: Carl.Blockbuster001@yahoo.com
Subject: It’s me, the founder of Blockbuster & I’m trapped in the Bahamas with no money—help!!!
This is Urgent!
Can you wire me the late fees you owe from when you rented every available Mary Kate and Ashley movie in the summer of 1999, including It Takes Two, Billboard Dad, and the one where they go undercover fifty times and finally end up in Australia?
The total comes to $3 million, adjusted for inflation. But I will forget the whole thing if you just send me $500 today.
Please help! Bank transfer info attached
Sincerely,
Carl Blockbuster
From: thedonnerparty22@msn.com
Subject: INCREASE LENGTH… of time you can last on the Oregon Trail before dying of dysentery
Our gruel-based supplements give you the strength to make it over Donner Pass and please your pioneer girl. $10/pack, $100 if you buy a month’s supply now. Reply with your Venmo password.
From: TheRealWillSmith@YesThe1FromMenInBlack.com
Subject: I finally got your fan letters, can you call me?
I’d love to see the dance you and your BFF created for the Fresh Prince theme song. Also, we’re rebooting the show and there’s an overeager neighbor role. Any chance you act now? Here’s a Google Vo1ce link we can use.
Smell you later.
From: jack@tiiiiiitaniic.com
Subject: I would have stayed on the door for you, {NAME}!
Let’s cut to the chase: We hacked into your TV’s video camera and have footage of you watching Titanic for the first time as an eleven-year-old at your birthday sleepover party.
Pay me $250 in cryptocurrency. Let’s consider this a donation.
Send me the bitcoin within 24 hours, or I’ll send the video of you kissing your pillow like it’s Jack after he drew you like a French girl to your boss, family, everyone in your contacts.
Deal?
From: HelloLunchables@netscape.net
Subject: Spice up your cubicle salads with HelloLunchables, our new food delivery kit
Tired of spending your days in a beige cubicle, eating sad desk salads, and wishing you worked as a slime-machine operator at Nickelodeon?
GOOD NEWS! You’ve been selected to try HelloLunchables, the subscription kit that makes it easy to prepare a meal in three seconds that just misses the public school cafeteria nutritional standards.
We’ll mail you crackers, thick slices of American cheese, and weirdly symmetrical ham so you can make a satisfying meal.
Hurry now and we’ll include a Ring Pop, s’mores dippers kit, AND a Fruit Roll-Up that won’t go bad until 2055. Submit your iPhone password and a 3-D scan of your face here.
From: The90s@bestdecadeeva.com
Subject: LIMITED OFFER… this time machine totally works but it can only take you back thirty years
Escape the hell hole of late-stage capitalism, impending climate doom, and the return of low-rise jeans that is the 2020s and return to the 1990s. Tetris, Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers, and the blissful limitations of dial-up internet await.
Just reply with your birthday, your mother’s maiden name, and the model of your first car! LYLAS <3