SUSSEX, ENGLAND -– Winnie-the-Pooh (Bear), nee Edward, age 90, passed away in his home on October 14. He was born in the Hundred Acre Wood, to parents unknown, in 1924.

Lifelong connoisseur of hunny, Winnie-the-Pooh was known to friends and family alike as a creature of habit, and his death came as no surprise to his husband, Piglet, who commented tearfully that “his diabetes just got out of control. I told him and told him to eat more healthfully, but he wouldn’t.”

Though known in his younger days as a failed robber, especially famous for his attempt at burgling Mayor Rabbit’s underground bunker, Bear is nevertheless remembered fondly by many. Kanga and her adult son Roo reminisced about Pooh Bear’s accomplishments in their home at Sandy Pit. Over large glasses of extract-of-malt whiskey, a toothless Kanga remembered Bear’s alleged adventures at the North Pole. “He dixovered it,” she said.

Though Pooh and Piglet had no children, Roo mentioned that his foster brother Tigger, currently serving time at Heffalump Trap Prison for charges of assault and battery (“bouncing”), was a frequent visitor at the couple’s house. “Pooh found him, you know,” slurred Roo over his drink. “He was Tigger’s mentor, introduced him to the neighborhood, got him fed. Tigger won’t handle it. He’ll bounce someone to death over there.”

The memorial service will take place at Pooh Corner on Friday, October 17, with Owl, Pooh’s lawyer and executor, officiating. “The Christopher Robin Trust was left in our hands to provide services benefitting the community,” Owl stated, wheezing. “Considering the late Mr. Robin’s great friendship with Mr. Pooh, a respectful sendoff is appropriate.” Owl further requested that any questions about arrangements be directed to him. “And people should stop sending jars of hunny. We request that you donate instead to your preferred diabetes research or care center,” he added before slamming the door in this reporter’s face.

Pooh Bear’s life was certainly a full and boisterous one, and it is certain that he leaves behind him a loving, loyal community