Girl, Dry Your Face.

Girl, You Used the Regular Old Body Towel Instead of Your Special Face Towel, the One Made Out of Raw Bamboo Fibers or Something; Remember, You Paid $50 for It After Seeing It on Instagram? You Swore You’d Use It Enough to Justify the Expense.

Girl, You Also Rubbed Your Face More Vigorously Than Would be Typically Advised by a Women’s Magazine, So Your Face Is Kinda Red Now.

Girl, Remember Women’s Magazines? Instagram Is Fun But It’s No COSMO or GLAMOUR

Girl, Wait a Minute, Remember How Women’s Magazines Often Made You Feel Kind of Shitty About Your Appearance?

Oh, Wow, Girl: Instagram Is Women’s Magazines for the 2020s!

Girl, Because of Your Realization, You Missed the Window to Apply Moisturizer and Lock in That Dewy, Post- Shower Afterglow

Hang On, Girl: What If There Is No Actual Dewy, Post-Shower Afterglow to Be Locked in? What if Your Face was Just… Wet? And Now It’s Dry? And It Doesn’t Matter Which Towel You Use? Whoa, Girl!

Girl, for Real, Though, You Do Not Have Time for Any More Bombshells This Morning. You Need to Put on Some Sunscreen.

Girl, Yes, Even When It’s 50 Degrees and Cloudy Out. That’s What the Women’s Magazines Would Say.

Girl, Which of These Products Were You Supposed to Put on First? Could It Be Possible That You’re Supposed to Apply Two of Them, Use Another to Wipe the First Two Off, and then Ruin the Effects of that One by Applying Your Sunscreen Over It?

Girl, You Left a Smudgeprint from Your Forehead on Your Mirror

Girl, Now You’re Just Sitting on the Toilet Seat, with Your Head in Your Hands. Girl, This Is Worrisome.

Girl! Hey! Hey! Hey! Girl! Hey! Come on! Snap Out of It! Pick Your Head Up, Girl! Use the Fancy Towel to Wipe Away Your Tears of Impotent Rage About Aging as a Woman in Modern America!

Girl, Your Kids Have Gone Strangely Quiet.

Girl, We Just Made That Up, You Don’t Have Kids, But Things Were Getting Grim There. Maybe You Should Do Something Nice (But Still Appearance-Related) for Yourself. How about a Mask, Girl?

Girl, Maybe We Should Start This Over from the Top. Back into the Shower with You!

Girl, You Forgot Your Humanely Harvested Loofah. Come Back Out of the Shower, Girl.

Girl? You Just Going to Stand Under the Blazingly Hot Water, Even Though It’s Hard on Your Skin and the Environment?

Okay, Girl, Just Wanted to Remind You to Shave! And Squeegee the Walls, Too! And That Mask Will Dry Out if You Don’t Use It in Twenty Minutes! Don’t Forget to Reapply the Sunscreen, Too! Girl, Did You Mean to Turn the Music Up That Loud? And to Throw Your Phone Out the Window? Girl? Hello? Girl?