Well, first off, I’m very excited you two chose me as your dungeon master. You seem like a lovely couple, and I’m stoked to jump right into this adventure. That said, I am guessing by the black vinyl corset and your husband’s full-on erection that  we’re not here to play Dungeons and Dragons?

In my defense, your Craigslist ad was a bit misleading. “Wanted: Experienced Dungeon Master for a night of wild fantasy roleplay. Roll the dice and spend a night with this adventurous couple.” That’s an absurd amount of vernacular crossover. Although, in hindsight, the “BYO towel” bit should have raised a few flags. I just thought maybe you had a pool?

No, I’m sorry. I feel like I ruined your big night. You got all dressed up, hired a babysitter, and built that giant sex-themed Monopoly game. I just feel awful. You know what? If you two can be flexible — no, not like that Bryan, put your leg down — I bet I can whip up an adventure we will both like. Museum rules, okay? No touching, no pictures, and just follow your guide.

- - -

Okay, you awake to find yourselves outside the quaint provincial city of Isildoor, the westernmost citadel of the Kegel Kingdom. Aged rays of the binary sunset cascade over the town and the adjacent dormant volcano. Last you remember, you were chained in this stockade, framed for the crime of being … not kinky enough. A most heinous felony within the realm. How will you clear your names? Remove your blindfolds and introduce yourselves.

WRONG ANSWER, SLAVES! You are no longer Jennifer and Bryan of Hilldale Drive. You are Brogda Firmthigh, a Tiefling warlock of the arcane hill tribes. And uh — Slut Boy! A halfling bard and world-weary male prostitute … Sorry, Bryan. I’m still getting into the swing of things. No pun intended. Oh, you like it? Good, I mean — shut up, Slut Boy! Take these dice and roll for how many spankings you get.

- - -

Excellent job, Slaves. You successfully escaped the stockade, scaled the outer city wall, and are now unnoticed amongst the pied travelers of the city. Wading through the Town Square you hear the jubilant sounds of the Annual Butt Jiggling Festival. But lo, the High Magistrate Wizard, a regal-looking high elf, has noticed you and grown suspicious. You both must participate to remain unnoticed. Quickly — jiggle Slut Boy, JIGGLE!

Well done. Slut Boy, you earn second prize. Now escaping the square, you come upon a tavern guarded by a hairy orc with a long scar athwart his brow. Brogda, you get the feeling that the answers may lay inside. Slut Boy — you get the feeling that Brogda’s vibrating underwear needs to be turned up to Level 4. As tension and vibrations build, you spy something odd just inside. A giant board game.

- - -

Slut Boy, as you place hotels on both Dark Place and Boredcock, Gordknob the Untrimmed flies into a barbarian rage and accuses you of cheating at Sex Monopoly! The hairy orc passes GO, collects two hundred dollars, and then places Brogda into a chokehold — please adjust your collar one notch tighter. Gordknob, staring down the business end of your crossbow, shouts huskily, “Slut Boy, it appears we have reached an impasse. Perhaps we can resolve this with a different arrangement?” Okay, both of you roll for initiative and Siri — play “Pony” by Ginuwine.

- - -

Unsuccessful! Your Ben-Wa bolo attack just misses Gordknob and his cuckolded minotaur chieftess. With a clash of hooves, the fight spills out into the open Town Square. No, Brogda, you don’t have a special skill called “Horny Head”; you have actual horns. Honestly, Jenn, did you even read your character sheet? I run a tight game here, you can’t just make things up. Now, Slut Boy, that butt plug is dwarven made and endowed with special arcane magic. Before inserting, you’re going to have to use a constitution-saving throw. Also — lube.

- - -

Lances expertly trained at your throats, the Town Guard finally close in. A smug smile creeps across the High Magistrate’s face. Just when death seems inevitable — the dormant volcano erupts! The earth trembles violently as the crowd scatters! The High Magistrate Wizard stumbles and drops his Hitachi Magic Wand, errantly cursing a passerby with goblin herpes. In the chaos, you each hear thunderous gusts of wind. Brogda, you recognize this as the sound of wings.

Bold move, Slut Boy! However, a shot from that distance will require a high level of difficulty. To defeat Blueballs the Dragon, break the spell of perpetual edging and earn a simultaneous orgasm for the entire kingdom—you must roll a 19 or better. Since you’re fully bound, Brogda, put the dice in his mouth.

Twenty! Critical hit! Your crossbow bolt soars through the air and pierces a gap in his scales, cleaving Blueballs’s heart in twain. He plummets to the ground emitting a deafening wail. Warlocks and townsfolk alike fall back in breathless, orgasmic ecstasy! The High Magistrate instantly pardons you of your crimes as the horrid curse has finally been lifted.

Uh — wow! Amazing game, Slaves! That was the best D&D session of my life and also, somehow, the least socially awkward? I agree, let’s make this a weekly campaign! Yeah, no problem, I can definitely include some more “S&M stuff.” Wait, you mean Sorcerers and Magic, right?