Well, folks, that was one terrific sadomasochistic orgy. Looked like everyone—doms, subs, switches—was really experiencing the heights of erotic ecstasy through the lens of control and degradation. Now, if we all cooperate, it won’t take too long to tidy up this sex dungeon.

I’m going to throw out the whole master-slave binary, if that’s okay with you; it’ll make things go faster if we’re all on the same page rather than having half of you delegate cleaning orders while lashing and humiliating the others.

Grab a roll of paper towels from Janice here, but dip it in one of the buckets of hot water before you apply it to any stains, or else you’ll just smear everything and make it harder to actually remove the blood and semen. Sure thing, Steve—if you want to pour a little hot water down Dottie’s back first, that’s totally fine, but not too much, because it’s a hassle to fetch more from the kitchen, and the kids will be waking up soon for soccer.

The cleaning products are organic, so don’t worry about inhaling the fumes, especially those of you still wearing ball gags.

I’ve gathered all the perineum clamps in a pile, each with a numbered tag that should match the one you received at the beginning of the Night of Pain and Euphoria. Please, please take only your own perineum clamp. We had a lot of upset emails after the Evening of Rapturous Agony.

Watch out, Harold—the vacuum cleaner will suck up any cock rings on the floor. As a matter of fact, can everyone stop what they’re doing for a quick cock-ring sweep?

I need six volunteers to polish and wax the torture racks and another three for the genital stocks and queening stool. C’mon, guys—part of what makes a community of likeminded sexual deviants a community of likeminded sexual deviants is that we all pitch in, even on equipment we wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot fisting pole. Anyone? Great—thank you, gimps. And can you take care not to create any splinters? Prechiate it.

It’s probably easiest just to dump in this vat of bleach the breast binders, bondage hoods, funnel gags, suspension cuffs, adult diapers, and dog bowls. For safety’s sake, can someone do this who’s already wearing a latex bodysuit and vampire gloves? I’m grateful, Fran, and sorry I didn’t get a chance to whip your buttocks with nettles like we discussed. Catch up with a cuppa decaf after Tuesday’s PTA meeting?

Jim and Louise, I’m assuming this is your human pony harness? My mistake—come and get it when you have the chance, Phil and Dennis. But Jim, I know for a fact that this is your ball crusher.

I don’t want to point fingers, but it’d be really cool if whoever spilled hot wax all over the grope box picked it off. It took me about two hours last time to get the spanking horse spotless.

Bob raises a good point, which is that maybe next time everyone should bring washcloths so we can cut down on paper towel waste. Fully sustainable BDSM is a goal for everyone who cares about safeguarding the earth for the next generation of consensual sadists and masochists, and for their consensual sadists and masochists. I’ll write up a formal proposal and we’ll put it to a SurveyMonkey vote.

Oh, yeah: the recycling bins are in the back, between the inversion table and fucking machine and next to the boiler. That would have been helpful information at the outset, huh? Forgive me; my brain’s pretty fried after ninety minutes strapped into the scrotal electrostimulation apparatus. Anywho, hope to see you all at Friday’s Discipline and Punish Mixer and, if you’re not too tired, the next afternoon for Zackie’s birthday pool party.

Ha ha, George. No, screaming your safe word will not get you out of laundering the straitjackets and hobble skirts! You’ve got a funny husband there, Barb. Can’t wait for our next game of Taboo.