Roasted Root Vegetables

Several handfuls carrot stubs
2 albino beets
1 sewer onion

Arrange all vegetables on the burnt out car part of your choice. Place the tray directly in nuclear sun during mandated indoor lockdown hours (10 am to 2 pm) until just glowing. Serve with anti-radiation pill.

Sloppy Jayden’s

1 cup pink slime
3-4 squeezes vintage artisanal mayonnaise
2 bread pucks

Step one: Thaw Pink Slime Ration over the community garbage fire. Step two: Stir in mayonnaise (any vintage). Step three: Rehydrate Bread Puck Ration. Step four: Enjoy!

Fresh Water Bottles

Sludge Runoff
Water Filter
Antique Poland Spring Bottles

Collect the run-off from any nearby sludge well and put through your home filter about five or six times. Stir in a teaspoon Organic Antifreeze to achieve authentic blue color of early 21st century water.

Corn Syrup Pops

Popsicle molds
2-3 IV Bags Corn Syrup

Inject corn syrup into popsicle molds, catching any spillage in your Personal Human Feedbag. Place tray in acid snow pile for about 20 minutes until hardened.

Samsung Fries

4 Virtual Potatoes
Sea Salt
Hot oil

Open any Mobile Appetite on your Samsung device. Select four virtual potatoes and Sync n’ Slice with the accompanying Condiment Glove. Dip glove in oil and salt and place over orifices.

Gargantuan Tomato Slices

1 GMO Tomato (about the size of a beanbag)

Use any size All-Apocalypse City Machete to slice the tomato. Cover your body in sea salt and lie still atop each slice for approximately 10-20 minutes.

Gluten-Free Gluten Balls

2-3 lbs. de-glutenized gluten (paper)
2 Tablespoons sugar-free glaze (water + glue)

Separate about half of your de-glutenized gluten into strips. Ball up the rest into a mass the size of your fist. Dip each strip into the sugar-free glaze, making sure to fully cover each side in glaze. Carefully paste the strips around the mass (you should end up with a solid ball). Let dry and finish with toothpick.

Doritos Locos Taco

1 Doritos Shell Shot Glass
1 scoop ground Meht
½ cup Chiz
1 Packet Monster Energy Drink Hot Sauce

Assemble all components in Doritos shell shot glass. Chase with double shot of insulin.