1. Which of the following best describes how you listen to music?
a) On my Zune. Stop laughing.
b) I tolerate whatever’s playing on the radio or at Starbucks.
c) On my iTouch.
d) You mean some people have music not on an iPhone?
e) White earbuds + Spotify = My Happy Place.
2. Have you ever visited an Apple Store?
a) Hell, no.
b) No, but I’ve been to the Genius Bar.
c) Yes, I’ve shopped there.
d) I work in one.
e) I plan my travel around visiting Apple Stores in foreign countries.
3. Where do you get your news about Apple?
a) I try to avoid it.
b) The business section of the newspaper.
c) From that one hardcore fan every group of friends seems to have.
d) Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, and sometimes Google Plus, #duh.
e) Daily Download.
4. Which of the following best describes your first Apple computer?
a) Never had one.
b) I didn’t jump on board until everything went aluminum.
c) A MacBook or a brightly colored iMac.
d) I miss my scrappy, boxy Macintosh. And the Spin Doctors.
e) My disks were floppy! I’d claim to be O.G. if I knew what that meant.
5. What is the oldest Apple product you still own?
a) I threw mine out to poison a landfill.
b) Does AAPL stock count?
c) My very first iPod.
d) I held on to the first generation iPhone. It belongs in a museum.
e) A Newton. Proof that some ideas are too far ahead of their time.
6. How do you feel about Apple product launches?
a) Proof we’re doomed as a species.
b) I just don’t get what the big deal is.
c) They’re silly. I’ll just get it next month after the crowds die down.
d) I wish I could generate that kind of rabid fandom for my band/e-zine/dating profile.
e) I’m in line right now.
7. Which of the following best describes your reaction to Apple product placements in film and TV?
a) Like any self-respecting hacker would work with a giant glowing fruit on their laptop cover!
b) Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock had to have an iPhone yet couldn’t work it. Says it all.
c) Phil Dunphy’s getting an iPad for his birthday on Modern Family made me smile.
d) Elle used an iBook in Legally Blonde, while everyone else used PCs. Says it all.
e) Good enough for Jack Bauer and CTU on 24? Good enough for me.
8. What does ‘The Woz’ mean to you?
a) Didn’t that record store close?
b) I sort of remember hearing there was another Steve.
c) Wasn’t he Ashton Kutcher’s friend in that movie?
d) He gives video games partial credit for helping his brain recover from a plane crash.
e) How many people actually go from inventor to philanthropist the way he did, not counting superhero origin stories?
9. How do you feel about Steve Jobs?
a) He proved you can get more done if you ignore other people’s feelings.
b) He probably wouldn’t like all that he’s set in motion.
c) I didn’t agree with him, but no one could ignore him.
d) Gone too soon.
e) All the feels above.
10. How do you feel about Tim Cook?
b) He’s no Steve Jobs.
c) The company’s a juggernaut; he just has to not screw up too badly.
d) Like a fine wine, he’s getting better with age, and people pretend they get him.
e) I love what an unapologetic badass he is about progressive politics!
11. What would you say if you met Jony Ive?
a) I’d say he’s missing some letters in his first name.
b) I’d say he makes most of the other executives look schlumpy.
c) I’d ask him what the level max is being a Knight Commander.
d) Nothing, because he admires minimalism.
e) “Marry me!”
For each question you answered with choice a, give yourself 0 points.
For each question you answered with choice b, give yourself 1 points.
For each question you answered with choice c, give yourself 2 points.
For each question you answered with choice d, give yourself 3 points.
For each question you answered with choice e, give yourself 4 points.
0 – 3 points
You are a card-carrying Apple Hater! You troll online forums attacking the company, because you’re convinced that being contrarian proves your superior intelligence, or because a company like Samsung pays you to do so. Anyone can like Apple. You’ve chosen, a wee bit ironically, to think different.
3 – 10 points
You’re not a Luddite, you just reject technological advancement. Oh, wait.
11 – 19 points
You are not really an Apple fan. That’s cool with me.
20 – 25 points
You are Apple-curious.
26 – 36 points
You are an Apple Fanboy or a Fangirl! This brand has left a positive impression on you. Don’t think they didn’t try. You can like what a company makes, but you don’t necessarily have to stake your identity in it. It’s okay to appreciate toys and tools for adults and distinguish which ones work best.
38 – 43 points
You’re a Serious Fan! You not only love your devices, you respect the company. You probably get annoyed at Apple Haters. You may have known the weight of a white lanyard. You almost got that Apple logo tattoo that one drunk time. You definitely know someone who did.
You’re a Die-hard! A Zealot! You may have chosen this, or it may have chosen you, but you’re hardcore to the core. You bleed Apple Juice. You didn’t fall far from the tree, because you’re still hanging onto the tree with all four limbs plus clenched jaw! Congratulations! I think.