Fellow farmers,

I think we’d all agree that we’re very proud of the heritage and legacy our brand has cultivated over more than a century of publication but the time has come to sex up our farming almanac. Tides of change people. Seeds and soil just aren’t a growth market, figuratively. The new economy is in celebrity media, but we all know the superstars of farming just aren’t going to be able to deliver the kind of content we’ll need. It’s time for us to start harvesting a different crop.

We have to expand. I think we can all agree we need a strategy to really latch onto the lucrative tween farm girl demographic. Are we able to introduce a fictional print segment that would put teenage vampires on a farm but still have it feel authentic? Shy cowboy rodeo vampire? Home School Musical? I’m envisioning an Instagram teen photo series on this.

Also note that starting immediately we’ll need to ramp up our focus on the positive emotional marketability of livestock. Don’t forget, cats are farm animals too. I’ll explain what memes and gifs are in another memo but, believe it or not, pictures of cats are THE thing right now. That means we’ll need to round up as many barn cats as we can, and I’m not trying to sound patronizing, but be sure to only grab the ones that still have all their limbs. If they’ve been caught up in a combine thresher or under a tractor tire they will not be accepted. Looks like we’ll need a lot of little cowboy hats and tiny vests for the photo shoot (check wholesalers?). Maybe we can throw a tattooed pig into the mix for an edgy lifestyle brand tie in. An energy drink sponsor or something to do with extreme sports? Dirt biking is a farm thing right?

Also note that part of our new company directive focuses on going global. As a team, we need to start addressing the reality that India is a potentially massive growth market for us so we’ll have to really start downplaying the whole cow commodities thing. Thinking of skipping the controversy altogether by doing a fun photo spread. Bovine Bollywood!

I hear your concerns about the reaction of our long time subscribers but the reality is their needs are outdated. If farmers want to know about the weather they can look out the window. When they look out their window they don’t see celebrities in the hottest L.A. restaurants eating their products. WE are that window! We want to say ‘HELLO!’ magazine and goodbye almanac. Celebrities are what people are hungry for not farm life. In the current financial landscape we just can’t afford to have farmers ignore the Kardashians any longer. Or awards shows. Or Miley. I know some of you would rather just continue on publishing farm reports but the term “crop yields” is just never going to make it as a buzzword. I mean, how many of you have even heard of FarmVille?

None of us can deny we’ll need to provide a soundtrack to the new almanac lifestyle. A feasibility study is being done right now on seizing the rights to one of the non-profit farmer’s concerts to do a FOR-profit version. To somehow rebrand it as more urban or indie. We haven’t ruled out launching an almanac music streaming service as a potential startup either. As a precaution we’ve already registered the name ‘Almatracks.’ Obviously all of this still needs to be focus-grouped.

I know most of you don’t get off the farm much but if you’d been to a real farmer’s market like the ones in NYC you’d see the way forward. High income hipsters, I’ll explain hipsters later in the gif/meme memo, paying ridiculous prices for unprocessed oat clumps being branded as cookies. It’s robbery compared to oat prices on the grain futures markets. They’re loaded with carbs anyway but somehow they were successfully marketing it as part of some raw food movement diet. ‘Raw’ is such a wonderfully edgy diet name. We’ve already put a tattooed celebrity weight-loss chef on company retainer.

You should see these farmer’s market consumers. Branded purchases. Disposable income. These people are our new market, not the commodities or rural farmer’s markets. No more old MacDonald; meet our new target demographic. They want to look at features on barn lofts and mason jar whiskey not moon cycles and foot and mouth disease. It’s time for us to take this big time. Starbucks’ first store was in a farmer’s market! I bet if we were in a country that grew coffee we’d have switched formats earlier. Maybe then we would’ve got in on that Paris Hilton reality farming show. The point is there’s no such thing as a tractor trendsetter. It’s time for our farming almanac to come out of the soil and into the spotlight. I hope the world’s ready for the celebrity future of farming!

Gwen Stevenson
Senior Marketing Manager