1. If your purse contains five M&Ms, two cough drops, and one sleeve of Ritz cracker crumbs, how much Cheerios dust is in your bra?
2. You and your partner each work forty hours a week, and you handle 81 percent of tantrums, sick days, and snack inquiries. Calculate the weight of this “invisible load.” Convert that amount into uneaten toddler dinners.
3. You’re driving four miles per hour, humming along to Paw Patrol, when you back the minivan into the garage door. At what speed does your self-worth vanish?
4. If you’re a lawyer turned stay-at-home mom with three kids under five, how many applesauce pouches can be purchased from Costco for the price of your law degree? Factor in a 12.77 percent overcharge because math is hard for women.
5. You’re slapped in the face by a volatile little guy with a bowl cut. Moments later, you slip on several dozen marbles. Are you (A) raising a toddler or (B) performing in a local stage adaptation of The Three Stooges?
If A: Solve for x if x² + your toddler’s age = your sad, saggy yoga pants.
If B: Solve for x if x² + (whoop)(whoop)(whoop)(whoop)(whoop) = nyuck nyuck nyuck.
6. You put a half cup of spinach into the blender when making smoothies. At what decibel do your children’s violent shrieks register? One is shrieking because you didn’t let them help, and the other because “nobody likes disgusting spinach.”
7. It takes 29 seconds for you to use the bathroom. It takes 3.1 seconds for your kids to fight over the iPad and crash into the fish tank. How long do you ignore Flotsam’s gasps for water?
8. Child A goes to sleep at 7:00 p.m. and wakes up at 5:00 a.m. Child B goes to sleep at 10:00 p.m. and wakes up at 6:00 a.m. Child C, a.k.a. Surprise Devil Baby, wakes up every two hours. At 2:45 a.m., Child A wets the bed. Divide the hours you sleep by the cups of coffee you drink. Multiply this number by 0.00015 to calculate your quality of life.
9. You and your partner have had three date nights in the past 483 days. Solve for x if y = a thriving marriage:
x + y + 6 = x + y – 6
10. What are the chances you would do it all again and not change a thing? Solve for infinity.
Isn’t it obvious?
This is a classic case of “mommy brain.” You are IN IT. Long days, short years, nervous breakdowns—I get it. Wait, what? You’re starring in an adaptation of The Three Stooges as well? Wow. I didn’t realize. In that case, break a leg! Not literally, of course. Those Stooge acts involve a good deal of slapstick, so tread lightly. Can you imagine chasing down a toddler on crutches? Don’t worry. It gets easier, or so I’ve heard.