In light of the recently leaked Supreme Court opinion, which would overturn Roe v. Wade and allow the creation of forced-pregnancy states, we’d like to wish you a Happy Non-Optional Legally Mandated State-Enforced Mother’s Day. On this soon-to-be compulsory holiday, we should all take the time to appreciate the people with uteruses who will be forced to give birth against their will, the recommendation of licensed medical professionals, and their basic human rights.
But how can you celebrate the unwilling mothers in your life? Here are some helpful gift ideas:
Make them breakfast in bed—and make sure that bed is in an abortion clinic, in a state where abortion is legal, and where extraditing them and charging them with a crime in their home state is not. They deserve to relax and feel taken care of for a change, whether it’s with a tray of eggs Benedict or the right to bodily autonomy. “Shouldn’t we take care of them all the time and not just on this holiday?” you might ask. Nope. Not in the United States of America—the only wealthy nation with no federal paid family and medical leave. It’s also one of the only industrialized nations without broad support for affordable, quality child care, and has the highest maternal mortality rate among developed countries (that rate is even higher for Black women).
If breakfast and policy change isn’t your thing, though, you can still order the uterus-having person a little something special to eat. With so many great options, like Edible Arrangements, gourmet candy, expensive chocolates, and mail-order abortion pills, it can be hard to choose. But isn’t it nice to have a choice? The people with uteruses, who will no longer have a choice thanks to the faux religious beliefs of the conservative capitalist crypt keepers in power, sure think so.
But what if you want to skip edible gifts altogether and do something truly over the top? Try celebrating obligatory motherhood with a day of pampering at the spa. Because there’s nothing like a full-body massage to take a person’s mind off the fact that an organ in their body is being annexed by the government. Time in the sauna will melt away thoughts like, “Isn’t it weird that living people with uteruses are being legally forced to preserve ‘life’ with their internal organs, but literal corpses in this country can’t legally be forced to do the same when it comes to donating internal organs they’re no longer using?” If that infuriating question is impossible to ignore, a dip in the plunge pool should cool any lingering rage and resentment.
Now, in a real pinch, there are always flowers. It might seem cliché, but most people with uteruses love receiving thoughtfully arranged bouquets, especially if those bouquets happen to include well-known herbal abortifacients. As old-fashioned as that probably sounds, it’s something to keep in your back pocket for when all other gifts fall through. Desperate times call for desperate measures, right? Right. Why am I crying?!
If all else fails, you can never go wrong with a heartfelt handmade card. On the outside, draw a heart (or, more relevant, a reproductive organ) and write something simple like:
“Happy ‘Holy Shit I Can’t Believe They Can Legally Force Us to Become Mothers’ Day.”
And on the inside, consider writing something more personal:
“Hi, my name is _____________. I live and vote in your district, and I need you to codify Roe v Wade into law to protect abortion access. Please, I am begging you. Have a nice day.”
Then, set aside the overwhelming feeling of futility and send it to your state senators. It’s really the least you could do for those special people in your life whose uteruses are being policed by a governing body of cis straight white men and their fear of what declining birth rates will do to our exploitative capitalist economy.
May this incredibly depressing but necessary gift guide give you all the tools you need to celebrate mandatory motherhood this year—whether you want to or not. Because, unfortunately, it looks like we’re about to have no choice.