MICHAEL: Do you ever wonder why fresh pineapple makes your tongue burn?
ALEX: Do you ever wonder if maybe an apocalyptic event wouldn’t be SO bad? Like… if there was some sort of swine flu that disproportionately affected straight white dudes?
MICHAEL: I’m a straight white dude.
ALEX: And I would miss you. Terribly. BUT FOR THE GREATER GOOD, MICHAEL.
MICHAEL: If you care to join me in the bedroom, I’m sure I can show you something that cements my forever spot in your post-apocalyptic fantasy.
ALEX: I am not in the mood for your Charlize Theron in Mad Max impression, Michael. Besides my back is killing me.
MICHAEL: It’s probably all that anger you’re carrying around blocking your first chakra. That usually presents as pain at the base of your spine.
ALEX: Or maybe my uterus is so full of rage that she’s using my one ovary like a grappling hook at the end of my fallopian tube rope and trying to climb my vertebra to escape so SHE can burn it all down.
MICHAEL: Huh. A vengeful, sentient uterus on a rampage? I would totally watch that movie. Glennon Doyle could do the voice. Who could have imagined the Twitter feed of a mommy blogger would be the most insightful commentary on our legal system?
ALEX: That’s less surprising than hearing you minimize the scope of an author, speaker, activist, philanthropist, and thought leader to the label of “mommy blogger” just because she started out writing about parenting. That’s an important job, too. Someone has to be raising boys to not grow into Brock Turners and Brett Kavanaughs.
MICHAEL: You’re so right, my love. My internalized misogyny was showing. As penance, I promise no Terry Gross for a week.
ALEX: Not listening to a woman for a full week? That makes as much sense as women blacking out their profiles on Facebook in protest of Brett’s nomination.
MICHAEL: A week hardly seems like enough time for a proper FBI investigation.
ALEX: Well, McConnell says they’re voting this week regardless.
MICHAEL: Speaking of that seven-day time frame, you’ve been pretty upset for almost a week. What are the odds your…
ALEX: WHAT, MICHAEL? Are you going to tell me you know a woman who ISN’T moody right now? Is it your theory that the entire female population of the United States has managed to sync their menstrual cycles? Let me tell you, OPPRESSOR. If I could spontaneously menstruate right now, I would. Then at least I would have something to fling at the next guy who tells me how much prettier I would be if I just smiled.
MICHAEL: Or you could paint a Trump portrait with it like that artist in Portland did after he made those horrible comments about Megyn Kelly a few years back. Remember that? “Bleeding from her… whatever.” I wonder if the artist ever found a buyer.
ALEX: I had completely forgotten about that! How quickly we forget when he provides us with so much fodder. What was his latest? Something like, “That’s okay, I know you’re not thinking. You never do.” How this is such a scary time for men in America?! “…You could be somebody who was perfect for your entire life, and somebody could accuse you of something.” Way to read the room, 45.
MICHAEL: Oh, that was at least a quarter of a Scaramucci ago.
ALEX: I’d forgotten about that, too!
MICHAEL: See? By the time they get to voting on Kavanaugh, the nation will have collectively moved on to his next abhorrent statement or act.
ALEX: No. Not the women. Not the survivors.
MICHAEL: No. I guess we won’t.