“Facebook introduced a new brand on Monday: FACEBOOK.” — NBC News, 11/4/19

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Today, the uber-rich executive-level geniuses at Facebook are pleased to announce the company’s rebranding to something new, exciting, and innovative: FACEBOOK. Yes, that’s it. The same name. Just in caps lock. Yes, we are foregoing any and all self-awareness and putting out this press release as if this is an earth-shattering revelation.

Look, we’ll be the first to admit it: Facebook had problems. Off the top of our heads, that whole election interference thing wasn’t great. And we’re not super confident about our new policy where we allow politicians to lie to their heart’s content. And, sure, there are some serious community moderation issues — ranging from angry suburban moms yelling at each other about Trump, all the way through some pretty nasty child exploitation stuff that we’d rather not remind anyone about. But that was Facebook’s problem! FACEBOOK, on the other hand, invokes no baggage. FACEBOOK is new and shiny. FACEBOOK is safe. Clean slate. Totally different company. Facebook who?

Sure, if you start to think about it for too long, the all-caps orientation might start to remind you of the way that your great grandma comments on all of your posts regarding climate change and says “FAKE NEWS.” Or the way a random guy who messaged you once to ask you out said “YOU’RE UGLY ANYWAYS, BITCH” when you politely turned him down. And then you’re back to remembering all of those nasty little Facebook issues that we’re trying to escape from. So just don’t think about it for that long! Facebook bad. FACEBOOK good! See? It’s easy.

Come on, what do you people want from us? A serious examination of the policies that got us here, to a place where our little social network has unchecked global power to destroy democracy? Not gonna happen. Government accountability? Please, we’re gonna fight that with every fiber of our being. The teeniest, tiniest admission that we’ve made some mistakes? Hard pass. Rebranding from Facebook to FACEBOOK is the best you’re going to get from us, so just try to appreciate it. I mean, check out that picture we used to overlay the word “FACEBOOK” over. A group of young, diverse, beautiful people laying in the grass and laughing like a goddamn Richard Linklater movie?! Come on, that’s gotta count for something!

You guys get the song and dance by now — we’re going continue gaining power, stifling the competition, and fucking up the world. You’re going to get mad about it for a while, but you’ll keep using our products because… well, the alternative might mean missing out on some baby pics, and nobody wants that. This is our thing! You know it, we know it, and the marketing agency we paid $500,000 to mastermind this all-caps rebrand knows it.