Recently I passed a kidney stone that looked like a shark’s tooth. I made it into a necklace and now I wear it everywhere. It is a very intriguing piece of jewelry. Whenever I go anywhere, to the bar or to church, people ask me questions about it.
“That looks incredible,” they say. “Where did you get it?”
“It shot out of my dick,” I tell them.
Most of the kidney stones I pass look like cultured pearls. Once I collected a week’s worth and made a necklace for my girlfriend, Trisha.
Usually I give Trisha jewelry for presents. On Valentine’s Day, on Christmas, on her birthday, she’ll always get a small box with something great in it that came from my penis.
Sometimes Trisha wonders where I get all this money for all this stuff. On her last birthday I gave her a pair of earrings. After she opened them, she put them up to her nose.
“These are absolutely lovely, but for some reason they smell like asparagus,” she said.
“That’s really… weird,” I told her.
When I drink a lot of Mountain Dew my kidney stones look like jade and when I drink red wine they look like rubies. When I eat a lot of Skittles they look like they should—an amazing fucking rainbow. I want to ask Trisha to marry me, but I haven’t figured out what would make me shoot out a diamond. I drank Sprite for a month straight, but that didn’t work. I want to have a diamond ring for the proposal and I’m gonna wait until my dick cooperates. I guess I am old fashioned that way.
A couple of days ago, I rented a kiosk at the mall to sell some of the jewelry I’ve been designing. Things are going great. Sometimes people buy so much of my inventory that I have to go to the bathroom and make more.
I stand at the urinal and my piss goes ping, ping, ping against the ceramic. It’s a very emotional experience and sometimes someone will walk into the bathroom while I’m crying and scooping the jewels out of the urinal.
“Why the fuck won’t my cock shoot out diamonds?” I ask them.
So far nobody knows the answer.