“Revelations that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of Canada has dressed up in brownface and blackface on multiple occasions have rocked his re-election campaign…” — New York Times, September 19, 2019
Thank you for purchasing Kiwi Brand Shoe Polish. Since 1906, we’ve provided quality products for the continuing care and upkeep of shoes, boots, and other leather footwear. We care deeply about what our customers think of our polish collection, and have listened to your recent feedback regarding undirected usages for our products, particularly in regard to political environments and those aspiring to one day run for public office. We have been advised by our legal counsel to begin including this small instructional flier with all of our Kiwi Brand shoe polish tins, conditioners, and accessories. Thank you for your purchase, and please enjoy responsibly!
- 1. Apply Kiwi Brand Shoe Polish TO FOOTWEAR ONLY with a clean cloth or Kiwi Brand polish applicator sponge.
- 2. Allow polish to dry ONLY ON FOOTWEAR, NOT ON ANY EXPOSED (OR UNEXPOSED) SKIN.
- 3. Buff to a gloss. IF POLISH WAS APPLIED TO SKIN FOR COSTUME PURPOSES DESPITE STEPS 1 AND 2, BUFF REPEATEDLY UNTIL KIWI BRAND SHOE POLISH IS ENTIRELY REMOVED. DELETE ANY AND ALL PHOTOS OF POLISH APPLIED TO FACE OR OTHER BODY PARTS FROM PHONES AND/OR CAMERAS. DESTROY PHYSICAL PHOTOS AND DELETE ANY VIDEO RECORDINGS.
- 4. For extra sheen, feel free to apply another, light coat WHILE MAKING SURE TO FOLLOW STEPS 1-3 ACCORDINGLY. IF FRIENDS WITNESSED POLISH BEING APPLIED TO YOUR PERSON, HAVE THEM SIGN THE ATTACHED KIWI BRAND NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT.
- 5. Sprinkle polished surfaces lightly with water, use a soft cloth to buff again. IF POLISH IS SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY STILL ON YOUR PERSON, BOIL WATER IN POT AND PURCHASE KIWI BRAND STEEL WOOL. SCRUB ALL AFFECTED SURFACES AND REFER TO THE ENCLOSED KIWI BRAND EDITION OF JAMES BALDWIN’S THE FIRE NEXT TIME.
- 6. If running for office, or in any way might one day run for this or similar political positions, please sign Kiwi Brand Shoe Polish Waiver, attach to receipt, and mail to KIWI BRAND SHOE POLISH C/O DEPT. OF DAMAGE CONTROL.
KIWI BRAND SHOE POLISH HEREBY ABSOLVES ITSELF OF ANY LEGAL IMPLICATIONS REGARDING FUTURE MISUSE OF ITS PRODUCTS AND ASSOCIATED BRANDS. IF YOU STILL HAVE ANY QUESTIONS REGARDING POLISH APPLICATION, PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT US. INSTEAD, CONTACT YOUR LOCAL POLITICAL PARTY’S OFFICE, AND ASK ABOUT APPROPRIATE RESIGNATION PROCEDURES.