2018, one of only about five billion remaining laps around the sun before it expands into a Red Giant and consumes the Earth, passed away after its year-long battle with the future. 2018 was approximately 40,000 unnecessary gun deaths old.
Loved ones will remember 2018 for killing Stephen Hawking, Jamal Khashoggi, and Aretha Franklin, being the first full year with an American president who does not know how to flip a coin, and confirming to a lifetime position on the Supreme Court a Coors-stained sleeveless Champion® sweatshirt listening to Billy Squier on a boombox. 2018 also introduced to the world a massive Australian cow, but it didn’t know any tricks or anything.
In its later years, 2018 enjoyed rearranging the genes of a human baby because what could go wrong, poisoning all the Romaine lettuce, being the last year before the recession, and continuing to saddle young people with ludicrous amounts of student debt and then having Baby Boomers yell at them for killing mayonnaise. A lover of science, 2018 saw the first known object from outside of our solar system cruise through, get one look at Earth, and be like, YEAH, NO, HARD PASS. 2018 is also credited with issuing several climate reports that revealed the great news that global warming will kill us all before artificial intelligence gets the chance.
2018 held both an American election and a British royal wedding, both of which only reluctantly included African-Americans. 2018 also watched Paul Ryan, the first Creed song to serve as Speaker of the House, ride off into a Wisconsinan sunset of rusting auto parts factories and butchered vowel sounds. Beloved friend of 2018, Ed Sheeran, continued living a happy life as a successful artist and did not die in a high-speed collision with the massive Australian cow’s butthole.
Funeral services for 2018 will be held at the First Church Of Locking Brown Immigrant Children In Cages And Wouldn’t You Know It, A Couple Of Them Died, Which Was Totally Unavoidable. In what has become an annual family tradition at passings, 2018 became the sixth full calendar year to have done nothing in response to Sandy Hook. Close siblings and immediate successors 2019 and 2020 have already promised to keep the cherished tradition alive.
2018 is survived by lethal wildfires, anti-vaxxers, clothes that cannot go in the dryer, the continued slow-motion reveal of extensive and ham-fisted corruption by America’s highest government officials, traffic jams, books about sad, rich, white people living in New York City, ticks, making eye contact with your coworker too far down the hallway for the amount of pleasantries in your repertoire and having to close the last fifteen feet in silence, and Tucker Carlson’s face.