Thanks, everybody, for making time for this mandatory all-staff meeting. As your CEO, I’ll be the first to admit that our little startup has been going through a bit of a rough patch. However, I am excited to announce that we’re pivoting to a new strategy that should get us out of this rut and make us revenue-neutral — which is to say, the amount of money we’re spending will be equal to the amount we’re bringing in — by the end of the fiscal year.
1. We run out of money.
2. I fire everyone and dissolve the company.
As you can see from this fancy graph I paid outside consultants an exorbitant fee to make, last year we spent $30,000,000 on employee compensation and occupancy costs. However — and this is where it gets a little sticky and business-y — we only brought in $12 in revenue. That means we operated at a $29,999,988 loss. Not terrible, but also not ideal.
Recently, our board of investors ambushed me as I was parking my Audi and gave some feedback about how these gross margins might influence our future working capital. Mainly they kept harping on my promise that the company would become revenue-neutral at a certain point. Turns out they were really serious about that. Who knew!
So, that’s what’s going to happen. With expenditures and revenue both at roughly zero dollars, we will be revenue-neutral. It’s actually very impressive for a startup to become revenue-neutral after only three years, so this is something to be super excited about.
Executive Strategy Analysis Overview
I’m sure some of you are wondering why, instead of bringing expenditures down, we don’t just bring that revenue number up. The short answer is: we thought of that. And, really, we tried. Over the past six months or so, I paid outside consultants a frankly astonishing amount of money to come up with strategies that we could use to bring more money in. In the interest of full disclosure, here’s the list of ideas I assembled based on their feedback.
1. Somebody else gives us a bunch of money.
Unfortunately, that didn’t pan out.
Strategic Executive Analysis Analysis
I bet a lot of you are wondering what comes next. Not to worry. First of all, you will be getting a great severance, by which I mean you will be severed completely from the company with no remuneration. Looking at the big picture, though, I have drawn up a plan for the future that should hopefully alleviate a lot of your concerns.
1. I get hired as the CEO of a different company.
See, there’s no need to look so scared and nauseous. I’ll be fine! I know things seem a little bleak right now, but trust me, I will be able to leverage this abject failure and land on my feet with a six-figure salary and a brand new corporate credit card.
In the meantime, I don’t know about you, but there’s still a lot that I want to accomplish in my remaining time here. Mainly, charging stuff to the corporate credit card I currently have.
Executive Analytic Strategic Overview
Executive Strategy Strategy Analysis Executive
Executive Executive Executive
I’ve taken up enough of your time here. Everybody get back to work on your projects that will never be completed. Onward and upward! And if you’re one of the outside consultants I paid to fill out the audience for this meeting, please see me in my office for your sack of cash.