Derrick’s heart stopped when telling his friends it’s not actually pronounced Bar-ce-lona, but Bar-THe-lona, and yes, he’d been there.

Miriam slipped in the kitchen and died after “accidentally” leaving her LSAT scores open on the table for her roommates to see.

Austin was hit by a car while crossing the street diagonally—yes, the hypotenuse is the longest side of a right triangle, and he knew it—and staring at his phone display of an image of himself rock climbing shirtless, while considering “accidentally” sending it to the woman he just met at Starbucks.

Chad’s car rolled over him while installing his new TruckNutz on the hitch of his lifted Raptor after telling a neighbor to “be a lion, not a sheep.”

Betty died of an aneurysm in the self-checkout lane, while ringing up her organic avocados as lettuce.

Tony was struck by lightning while telling his neighbor that it’s not Frankenstein, in fact, but Frankenstein’s monster.

Erica drowned at a rec center pool after asking the lifeguard if it was okay to swim four miles for the third time in one week because she was training for a triathlon. Oh, had he never done one? You have to be in amazing shape, and she just wants to check when they close because she’ll be a while, and she’ll need some aminos before the swim because her body is like a microchip, and she is just doing some biohacking to make sure she wins, and has the lifeguard really never tried a triathlon? Because she is happy to get them started on their next super-rewarding race, and the culture is way supportive and not at all toxic!

Janine fell through an open manhole cover when texting her friends she got the Wordle in two tries—yet again.