INT. DEATH STAR – CORRIDOR
[As CHEWBACCA and HAN SOLO evade capture, STORMTROOPER 1 and STORMTROOPER 2 stand and chat.]
STORMTROOPER 1: Lisa started preschool today.
STORMTROOPER 2: Geez, I feel like yesterday she was bopping on my knee to Now That’s What I Call Cantina Music: Volume 12…
STORMTROOPER 1: They grow up fast. Truth be told, I wouldn’t be here without you. I was in deep with my whole high-stakes sabacc phase.
STORMTROOPER 2: If it weren’t for me, you’d owe that Hutt your Tie-Fighter… I love you, man, I’ve always got your — watch out! Behind you!
[HAN SOLO and CHEWBACCA round the corner, firing off several blaster rounds. STORMTROOPERS 1 & 2 are shot.]
[HAN and CHEWIE board the Falcon. STORMTROOPER 1 takes out a picture of LISA. STORMTROOPER 2 reaches out and holds STORMTROOPER 1’s free hand. They die.]
EXT. ENDOR FOREST
[As our heroes stalk through the forests and engage the Empire Forces, SCOUT TROOPER and STORMTROOPER guard the shield bunker.]
SCOUT TROOPER: Can you believe it, Denise? We’re only two days away from retirement. What are you going to do?
STORMTROOPER: I think I’m gonna rent a villa with Lura on the plains of Naboo.
SCOUT TROOPER: Love that for you two. I think Fred and I are moving to Coruscant. We want a taste of the city life. Actually, I—
[EWOK WARRIORS cut a rope, triggering a tree trunk trap that swings in and crushes BOTH TROOPERS. They lay on the ground, horrifically maimed.]
STORMTROOPER: Looks like we’re going to that big ol’ Naboo villa in the sky.
SCOUT TROOPER: I hope that… that there aren’t Gungans there.
STORMTROOPER: Meesa… no… likey.
INT. HOTH – ECHO BASE
[As LEIA, LUKE, and the others try to get the Millenium Falcon to start, SNOWTROOPER 1 and SNOWTROOPER 2 stalk through the Rebel base’s ice tunnels.]
SNOWTROOPER 1: I still can’t believe you trained at U of A.
SNOWTROOPER 2: Why? The University of Alderaan has a great Empire officer program. If my parents could have bought me into USC like you, then I would have gone.
SNOWTROOPER 1: Hey, man, I worked hard to get into the University of Southern Coruscant.
SNOWTROOPER 2: You’re just jealous, ’cause while you were watching holo-lectures and drinking water, I was majoring in Twi’lek babes and shotgunning Dagobah Lite!
SNOWTROOPER 1: Watch it or I’ll cite you as a Rebel Sympathist!
SNOWTROOPER 2: No you won’t, nerd… Wanna grab a couple of Blue Milkshakes after our shift?
[They stumble into the Falcon’s hangar. A blaster cannon unfurls from the bottom of the vessel and fires a series of shots at the TROOPERS. They die.]
INT. BLOCKADE RUNNER – BOARDING CRAFT
[The Blockade Runner has been caught and is being boarded. STORMTROOPER GRUNT and STORMTROOPER PRIVATE wait while the steel door is cut open. DARTH VADER stands before them as they whisper.]
STORMTROOPER PRIVATE: Our first mission — and we get to run it with Lord Vader! Literally peed five minutes ago, and now I have to go again!
STORMTROOPER GRUNT: Me too! I sent a holo-tape to my mom before this. I couldn’t catch her on live-comms, though, but we’ll chat when I get back.
STORMTROOPER PRIVATE: You two are so close. I really admire that.
STORMTROOPER GRUNT: You should really give your mom a ring; you won’t regret it.
[The steel door falls open in a gout of smoke. Blaster fire from the REBELS. GRUNT and PRIVATE are struck in the head. They die.]
EXT. TATOOINE – MOS EISLEY SPACEPORT
[HAN SOLO leads the others to the Millenium Falcon. Meanwhile, SHOCK TROOPER and STORMTROOPER stand, wearing a wedding dress and a suit over their armor, respectively. They are surrounded by other TROOPERS. A TROOPER PRIEST stands before them.]
TROOPER PRIEST: Do you, FN-172214 take FN-138920 to be your lawfully wedded trooper?
SHOCK TROOPER: I do.
TROOPER PRIEST: And do you FN-138920 take FN-172214?
STORMTROOPER: I do.
TROOPER PRIEST: I now pronounce you Co-Pilots for Life! You may march together!
[The IMPERIAL MARCH plays as the couple parades away.]
[Other TROOPERS cheer and throw rice. The couple walks just outside of the Falcon’s hangar as HAN and the OTHER HEROES run in. The HEROES blast STORMTROOPER and SHOCKTROOPER. They die.]