“More than half of adults in the United States have been inoculated with at least one dose of a vaccine. But daily vaccination rates are slipping, and there is widespread consensus among scientists and public health experts that the herd immunity threshold is not attainable… polls show that about 30 percent of the U.S. population is still reluctant to be vaccinated.” — New York Times, 5/3/21

- - -

It’s been almost a year since Jurassic Park announced they would be reopening the preserve even though the velociraptors had escaped their enclosure and were still on the loose. Needless to say, it’s been a dark chapter in the park’s history, as countless Jurassic Park patrons have been mauled, their dismembered body parts and bloody entrails flung haphazardly like fleshy, red tinsel on bushes and shrubs throughout the park.

Thankfully, there’s some good news: a team of scientists at Jurassic Park’s Velociraptor Avoidance and Containment Countermeasures Squadron, or VACCS, have developed a state-of-the-art velociraptor repellent that is 95% effective at preventing velociraptor attacks.

With just two spritzes, one under each armpit, the repellent releases a scent that is completely odorless to humans but, to a velociraptor, smells like an infected velociraptor anal gland, which, needless to say, is a smell they absolutely hate. Many are calling this new technology an olfactory marvel and have said it’s the last piece of the puzzle to finally stopping these horrendous velociraptor maulings, which up until now have been completely unpreventable (aside from taking a few basic precautions, like not hiking in velociraptor-infested areas, that were deemed too draconian to actually enforce).

That said, there are many of us long-time Jurassic Park customers who question the need for this so-called miracle spray that the new park leadership seems so eager to shove up our pits.

As you may recall, former InGen CEO Peter Ludlow was unceremoniously ousted recently after a protracted series of corporate legal battles, mudslinging (a literal mud fight broke out over by the gondola ride one time), and even a failed boardroom coup. Since then, the new park leadership has taken drastic steps to try to prevent velociraptor attacks, including handing out vouchers to encourage patrons to postpone their visit until it’s safe, providing clearer guidelines for how to responsibly hike the park’s trails, and finally listening to the advice of safety experts like Dr. Ian Malcolm.

Now, with this new repellent available, leadership is encouraging all park patrons to spray themselves so that the park can achieve herd immunity — the point at which the herd of velociraptors stops associating humans with food and moves on to other prey.

But those of us still loyal to Peter Ludlow, or “Luddites” as we prefer to be called, will not be strong-armed into putting anything on our bodies that we can’t be 100% sure wasn’t concocted by a shadowy cabal of elites with ulterior motives like “public safety” and “fewer people being disemboweled by velociraptors.”

With this breakthrough technology, could we stop velociraptor attacks once and for all? Sure. But at what cost? Is it really worth saving hundreds of lives if it means park patrons no longer have the freedom to let their odors drift au natural and straight into the nostrils of hungry bioengineered dinosaurs the way God intended?

Listen, I get that many people find it infuriating that a large number of Jurassic Park patrons like myself are refusing to don this miraculous and stupidly simple means of preventing mass death while other parks are literally begging VACCS to share their technology with them. But why do you care so much whether I wear repellent or not? If I choose not to wear repellent, and the group of hikers behind me gets viciously torn apart by velociraptors, isn’t that on them for being in the wrong place at the wrong time?

Besides, it’s so hard knowing who to trust these days. Do I trust Dr. Ian Malcolm, a guy who says smug things like, “Genetic power is the most awesome force the planet’s ever seen, but you wield it like a kid that’s found his dad’s gun”? Or do I trust my friend Gary, an amateur homeopathic healer and die-hard Luddite, who believes the best way to ward off velociraptors is with a balm he makes from patchouli and lawn clippings that he sells out of the back of his Jeep Wrangler for $600 just outside the entrance to the park? It’s impossible to say.

So let’s all just agree that I’ll do me, you do you. And if that means the velociraptors eventually get used to the repellent and we all have to go right back to square one, then so be it.

Just remember, life finds a way… unless you’re one of the unlucky 5% that wears repellent and still gets mauled. Then you’re probably screwed.