Dear Lord Vader,
You have said in recent weeks that everyone in the Empire must soon return to work in person. I’m afraid I have to disagree. Staying at home for at least another year, whether the pandemic continues or not, will boost our efforts to crush the Rebellion. As commanding officer of your flagship, I’ve deliberated this for months and consulted numerous experts to draw the following conclusions, which I’m sure will convince you once you see the logic behind them.
Key Performance Indicators
We’ve outdone Emperor Palpatine’s expectations despite the challenges of the pandemic. For example, even without running into your minions in the hallway, you’ve choked 253 underperforming stormtroopers, almost triple what the Emperor had set as a goal. I do not doubt that your data is accurate since you know every corner of the galaxy, whether working remotely or not. If a rat snuck into the thermal exhaust port of the Death Star, your Sith Lord senses would catch it.
You have expressed concern that the stormtroopers will lose their capacity to march in unison if they stay at home much longer. However, they have long bridled with resentment at your insistence that they conform. Indeed, getting rid of uniforms alone would improve the troops’ morale and save the Empire lots of money. For instance, you do not need to wear your black armor and life-support system over your prosthetic legs; as I understand it, from the bottom down, your attire has never served anything more than an aesthetic purpose. I recommend that you try communicating over a viewscreen in sweatpants someday. Then, you’ll see!
The Ewok Issue
While accidents have happened during our long-distance communications, we can overcome such obstacles. You’re likely to remind me that a few months ago, a filter changed your image on a viewscreen so that you would resemble an Ewok. However, this did not keep you from attending the meeting or destroying five planet systems that day. Moreover, your new appearance made you more relatable and popular with the troops; I hope that you now have compassion for me when I am (as you often call me) “clumsy” and “stupid.” Please note that I’ve become familiar with the account settings on your viewscreen, so if your image resembles an Ewok again, I’ll be able to change it into that of a more professional stormtrooper Ewok instead.
You have questioned me about the efficacy of our online stormtrooper training program, noting that many students have been avoiding work by snacking at home, skimming through blaster strategy lessons, and sending their friends holograms of the Emperor roasting Ewok meat with his Force Lightning. Also, when one of my lieutenants sent you a hologram update in which a child ran screaming onto her lap, saying, “I NEED my LEGO starship now!” you were understandably frustrated. However, you did solve that problem by choking them both to death on the spot.
Meanwhile, since we always kill or abandon our difficult children in order to prioritize the needs of the Dark Side, we have an advantage over our opponents: homeschooling does not take as much energy from us. I predict that if the Empire continues working remotely post-pandemic, the parents that comprise the Rebellion will collapse into nervous breakdowns within another year at most. We will thus decimate our enemies without having to waste a single laser.
We can make our duels with Jedi knights more convenient. Historically, many of these have occurred in harrowing locations: amid tumbling trees, reactor shafts, rivers of lava, and so on. Yet, the Jedi always come to us, which means we could be choosing where to face them one to one. By working from home, you can look forward to battling your enemies in your bedroom, where the risk of falling off a ledge into an abyss is nearly nonexistent.
You must see now why we must work from home for longer. Tomorrow, if you have questions, I am happy to discuss with you over a viewscreen, in my full military attire, of course.
Your humble Admiral Ozzel