Scenes From Iconic Films Hastily Rewritten So
That They Pass the
BY BRIAN AGLER
TRAVIS: Are you talkin’ to me?
JENNIFER: No, I’m talking to my friend Melinda. Hi, Melinda.
MELINDA: Hi, Jennifer.
JENNIFER: Did you see what happened in the stock market today?
MELINDA: I did. Big morning.
JENNIFER: OK, great chat. Bye, Melinda. Bye, Travis.
RATSO: Hey, I’m walking here!
MICHELLE: I am also walking here! My name is Michelle, and I too am walking!
CELESTE: Me three! My name is Celeste, and wouldn’t you know it — I’m also walking!
MICHELLE: Wow, Celeste, walking sure is fun.
CELESTE: It is.
A Few Good Men
JESSUP: You can’t handle the truth.
JOANNE: Who, me? JoAnne Galloway? The lawyer? I can handle the truth.
GRACE: Did I hear someone talking about the truth? Because, if we are, I think I can handle it. I think you can too, JoAnne. Also, my name is Grace and I have to go now. Great job in court, everyone!
BOND: The name is Bond. James Bond.
MONEYPENNY: Glad we cleared that up. My name is Moneypenny, and this is Pussy Galore.
PUSSY GALORE: Moneypenny, it’s so good to see you.
MONEYPENNY: You too, Pussy Galore.
PUSSY GALORE: Hey — do you think it would be possible if my name were something else… like, anything other than Pussy Galore?
MONEYPENNY: Nope, probably not. Good talking to you!
TONY: Say hello to my little friend.
MARY: Hi, I’m Tony’s friend, Mary.
LISA: I’m Lisa, I’m also Tony’s friend.
MARY: But, we’re not talking about Tony… we’re talking about… cocaine.
LISA: Yaaaaaay! Cocaine!
BENJAMIN: Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me. Aren’t you?
MRS. ROBINSON: I am, but hold on a moment. I’m going to have a separate conversation right now, with my friend, Mrs. Thompson. Hello, Mrs. Thompson.
MRS. THOMPSON: Hello, Mrs. Robinson.
MRS. ROBINSON: I know that in these conversations, we normally talk about the boys that we seduce, but instead I think we should talk about something different. What do you think of busses?
MRS. THOMPSON: I think they’re a fine form of transportation.
MRS. ROBINSON: I agree. Efficient and convenient. I’m glad we had this talk about something besides men. Now, that we have officially had that conversation, I’m going to go back to seducing Benjamin. Look at my legs!
JACK: Here’s Johnny!
WENDY: And here’s Wendy! Anyone want to talk? No, not you Jack. You look very busy with that axe. You know what, I’m just going to hop on the phone and call the operator.
WENDY: Hello, Operator. Are you a woman by chance?
OPERATOR: I am.
WENDY: Fantastic. What is your name?
OPERATOR (FLORENCE): Florence.
WENDY: Hi, Florence! Keep up the good work. Phones are truly a technological marvel. They involve speakers, and wires, and a whole complicated telephony infrastructure. We depend on hard-working women like you to keep us connected. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. My husband is trying to murder me with an axe. Ahhhhhh!
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!
MELISSA: But ladies, you can! I’m General Melissa Franks, and I run the section of the War Room for women. Let’s go around the table and introduce ourselves.
MELISSA: Good, now, let’s fight. But as we do, be sure to vocalize the reasons why you are fighting.
TAMMY/JANE/PHYLLIS: [Muffled yelling about a variety of topics such as weapons systems, and geopolitics—none of which are about a man.]
Planet of the Apes
GEORGE: Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape.
CLARA: Excuse me. I’m Clara. Are you a lady ape?
APE: [Grunts. Then, using sign language, spells out her name — “Nadine.”]
CLARA: Hi, Nadine. I really don’t want to talk about what you’re doing to George over here, I was just curious if you knew how to get to the Statue of Liberty.
APE (NADINE): [Grunts and signs — “I do. Head to the shore. Turn left. You can’t miss it. Incidentally, did you know that the Statue of Liberty was a gift to the United States from France?”]
CLARA: I did not. Thank you for enlightening me. Great conversation! And hey — forget what he says, you’re not damned or dirty at all.
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