Hello, and thanks for subscribing to Scott’s Expensive Flights. We scour all the top travel sites at the last minute for the worst deals imaginable and send them straight to your inbox. Here are the latest we found at 2 a.m. while having an existential crisis about making the most of our lives:

  • American Airlines is currently offering $700 flights from Seattle to Nashville if you need to travel there next weekend. This is ideal for people who procrastinated booking tickets for a friend’s wedding instead of booking them last year.
  • Select Icelandair flights from Cincinnati to Reykjavik are $1,150 right now. This is a truly terrible price that’s great for anyone finally ready to crack open the Lonely Planet they got three birthdays ago.
  • Flights to your parents’ house for the holidays are $900 this year across the board. It doesn’t matter where you’re flying or what airline. And it’s already been canceled due to inclement weather.
  • Tickets are only $600 right now between Richmond and Boston. But that’s on Amtrak and it takes 17 hours.
  • Flights are “basically free” if you have a Chase Sapphire card according to our friends who have one. This is useless information since we don’t know how points work and the only rewards programs we belong to are for sandwich chains.
  • For the next 48 hours, it’s $1,275 to forget your headphones on Air Canada flights from Phoenix to Amsterdam. A solid deal for people who want to watch Deadpool 2 on their seatmate’s screen by reading lips.
  • Lufthansa is selling a $100 bill for $500.
  • Qatar is offering a $1,600 flight between Atlanta and Bali, plus the recurring monthly fee for an accidental Boingo WiFi subscription that’s nearly impossible to cancel.
  • Frontier has $525 flights from Miami to Rome if you book in the next — whoops nevermind, it’s gone.
  • Flights on United between D.C. and Madrid are $999. This doesn’t include the $6 you’ll pay at the airport for a banana that’s green on the outside but entirely brown once you peel it.
  • Tickets to Tokyo are, yeah, let’s face it: you’re never going to pull the trigger on Tokyo.
  • It’s $1,250 all this month to forget to pack a bathing suit on JetBlue flights from Austin to Honolulu. The trunks you buy at the hotel will be another $70 and will be too cartoonishly baggy to ever wear again.
  • Southwest is offering fares from Salt Lake City to Belize this week for $1,400. We actually don’t know if that’s a good deal or not. How much are flights supposed to cost?
  • Book LA to Morocco on Norwegian today only in exchange for one Fabergé egg. The last seat available is between two children whose parents left it empty because even they didn’t want to sit in the same row as their kids.
  • Select European flights from Chicago are only $200 if you book through a third party site that opens in a pop-up window. You should act now to have your identity stolen and start receiving all-caps text messages for gift card sweepstake scams.
  • Everyone you know is going to Lisbon. We don’t have any flight recommendations there. We’re just reminding you that everyone you know is going to Lisbon.

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