Rationale: Due to unique paranormal threats posed by the massing of spectral tree decorations throughout the White House during the holiday season, the following protocol has been drafted for use in the event of a situation Code: TRIFFID.


Wards and Counter-charms: All standard warding spells were completed as of November 19, when POTUS and FLOTUS walked three times widdershins around the giant sacrificial tree that was carried, defeated and bound, to the White House. POTUS sealed the ritual by touching the hindquarters of the near carriage horse while uttering the mystic phrase “panem et circenses,” as the Old Laws demand. However, FLOTUS should still be discouraged from wandering amongst the holiday decor near the hour of midnight, during thunderstorms, or in the dark of the moon (December 6-8).

Perimeter Security: For the duration of the holidays, all agents should immediately report any sightings of fauns, talking animals, ghosts dragging chains forged from money-boxes, or misfit elves (with the exception of former Attorney General Sessions, who if encountered should be escorted off the White House grounds and sent away with a firm tweak of both ears, as usual).

Non-Paranormal Threat Neutralization: To ensure that the Christmas displays are not infiltrated by GRU agents in Ghillie suits, each tree should be bayoneted at chest height to a depth of twelve inches, morning and evening. Report any screams or pooling of blood to Kellyanne Conway.


Seal and Secure: Should the trees be possessed by demons, or otherwise brought inexplicably to life by some hellish confluence of greed, stupidity, arrogance, and bad taste (possibly triggered by an electrical surge of unknown origin), agents on duty must first verify FLOTUS’s location and, if possible, extract her from the enchanted zone. The affected area should then be sealed off immediately, regardless of other personnel who are still within. NB: Under no circumstances should special measures be taken to extract any adult Trump children.

Assessment: Are the trees…

  • sentient?
  • verbal?
  • mobile?
  • wielding their ornaments as high-velocity throwing stars?

Report these and any other pertinent behaviors to the Special Agent in Charge, who will summon the White House gardeners. While waiting for the arborer-exorcist to arrive, use an open flame (torches, candelabra, or flaming piles of laundered cash) to hold the trees at bay. Do not attempt to negotiate with the trees. Though they may be sentient, they will be driven by an insatiable diabolic bloodlust, coupled with intense economic anxiety.

If, rather than attacking FLOTUS, the trees assemble in organized ranks behind her, waiting to wreak unholy devastation at her bidding, immediately proceed to the West Basement Safe Room, break the glass in the emergency supply cupboard, and remove the vibranium shield. Take the shield to the helipad on the South Lawn and await the arrival of POTUS44. He will not fail you.


Presidential Briefing: POTUS should be informed either that his wife has been possessed/eaten/taken hostage by ensorcelled trees, or that she has attempted to initiate an otherworldly holocaust with the assistance of an accursed tree army. POTUS may need to be reminded which of his wives is involved in the tree cataclysm. POTUS should be reassured that he is not personally in danger, and that the trees cannot compel him to testify under oath. POTUS may wish to make a long-distance call after concluding the briefing. Apprise him of the time difference between Washington and Moscow.

Media Response: Press inquiries should be met with firm denials of any occult activity or manifestations whatsoever. Cellphone footage clearly showing White House personnel being hurled against the windows of the East Room by a twelve-foot-tall Virginia Pine should be described as “Press Secretary Sanders making some staffing changes.” Talking points should focus on liberal policies related to woodlands protection and over-regulation of the logging industry under Democratic presidents.

Damage Control: The absence of FLOTUS from subsequent events can be explained by vague references to minor but lengthy medical procedures. If anyone notices the sudden appearance of a mature Slovenian beech tree in the Rose Garden, or remarks on its startling resemblance to a woman frozen in an attitude of horror, simply mount an owl decoy on it and tell people it’s there to repel Jeff Sessions.

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Seel also: Secret Service Emergency-Response Protocol 1127B: If the President Falls Down a Well.