Following the division of assets, custody of any future children, and payout of alimony in the event of a marital dissolution, Prospective Husband (Donald J. Trump) and Prospective Wife (Melania Knaus) have agreed to the following formal handholding schedule:

Schedule of Hand Holding by Year

In years 1-3 of the marriage, Prospective Husband will be allowed ten (10) public hand holds per year for promotional and monetary purposes surrounding real estate, and one (1) private nighttime hand hold on each of those three birthdays.

In years 3-8 of the marriage, the number of public handholds decreases to seven (7) public handholds per year, four (4) of which must occur in the dining room at Mar-A-Lago in Florida. The other three (3) are reserved for promotional events surrounding any jewelry lines Prospective Wife may launch and/or joint exits from restaurants during times of tabloid scrutiny of the union.

In years 8 through the dissolution of the marriage, Prospective Wife will have complete and utter control over all handholding — there is no legally mandated amount. Outside handholding may be sought by Prospective Husband for self-soothing purposes, with no judgement from Prospective Wife.

Carved Out Exemptions

In the unlikely event of one member of the household achieving the Presidency of the United States, the marital handholding shall enter an accelerated phase with no prescribed limits. This period should be viewed as a necessary element of the couple’s patriotic duty, and Prospective Wife will be compensated accordingly.

In that extreme case, Prospective Wife will be paid the sum of $200,000 for each additional handhold in public, and $500,000 for each handhold in front of Heads of State. A bonus of $3,000,000 will be paid out for the extreme and borderline inhumane handholding that will be required during a Presidential Inauguration.


Circumstances that unequivocally invalidate the above agreed upon schedule:

  • Should one or another of the named parties touch a glowing orb, the above handholding schedule is utterly and completely vacated for the remainder of Prospective Husband and Prospective Wife’s marriage.

Donald J. Trump
Melania Knaus, neé Melanija Knavs
January 21, 2005