Dear Literary Agent —
As you know, it’s a tough time in the publishing industry right now. Concerned citizens are demanding that certain books be pulled from school and public libraries, and it seems no writer knows which books will be left on the shelf for children to read.
Except for me.
I am seeking representation for my work in progress, which is guaranteed to never, ever be banned. My book THANK YOU, WHITE CHRISTIAN STRAIGHT MAN is educational and inspiring. Most importantly, it is a book that will never prompt a middle-aged white woman named Jynifer to “go full Mama Bear, y’all” at a school board meeting.
My love letter to America’s brave leaders opens with a beautiful color drawing of former and soon-to-be reelected President Donald J. Trump holding hands with our country’s second-best leader, Jesus. “But what about separation of church and state?” you may ask. “Will this book be allowed in public schools?” Of course it will. Woke Democrats are too busy helping drag queens buy glitter to protest a book.
I’ve also included drawings of other heroes who fight for our individual freedoms, like Texas Governor Greg Abbott with three teenage girls holding the babies he forced them into birthing, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis wrestling gay pink hot pants off Mickey Mouse, and Senator Ted Cruz with his arms raised in victory. Victory over who or what doesn’t matter, because if that patriot is happy, it means some lesser person’s rights were taken away. Thank you, white Christian straight man!
(Side note: like all real Americans, I am a huge fan of Justice Clarence Thomas, but he is not included due to the parameters of the book’s theme.)
This groundbreaking hardcover book will appeal to many, including white Christian straight men, their white Christian straight wives, and all white Christian straight children before they develop critical thinking skills. (Which they won’t, if we do our job right!)
My marketing plan includes personal appearances at Christian churches, GOP rallies, homophobic chicken restaurant chains, Real Time with Bill Maher, and any place where people shoot cans of Bud Light with AK-47s. I will also do some “gorilla marketing” where I go to zoos and shout, “I did not evolve from you!” at the monkey cage until the local news shows up.
Finally, I will secure blurbs from the Moms of Liberty, Wichita chapter, Karen Pence, and anyone that’s ever lodged a formal complaint against Hollywood because the Barbie movie made their penis feel less awesome.
Thank you for your consideration. I’ve enclosed the first three chapters. I look forward to hearing from you soon. If I don’t, please know that I will get every book by every author you represent banned to smithereens.