“Parler has proved particularly popular among Trump supporters and right-wing conservatives. Such groups have frequently accused Twitter and Facebook of unfairly censoring their views.” — BBC

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Close your eyes. Imagine you’re standing on a beach. The sun is setting. The waves are lapping at your ankles. You ask the man standing next to you if he’s ever seen a more beautiful beach in his entire life. He responds by saying that the Holocaust never happened. Lovely, isn’t it?

That sanguine scene is our vision for Parler: the world’s only social media platform for conservative free-thinkers who, when the apple fell on Newton’s head, would’ve argued the tree was trying to kill Newton because it hated straight, white men.

Haven’t heard of Parler? You must be one of those losers who’s up to their weak, girlish knees in friendships and reading.

Parler is a digital home for Americans who aren’t willing to stand down from their beliefs simply because those beliefs have been disproven thousands of times in controlled settings. It’s a home for anybody still unironically using the term “Freedom fries.” It’s a haven for those who believe that every restaurant in America runs an underground child trafficking ring unless proven otherwise.

It’s for the people who want to live in a world where, when a stranger screams, “Fire!” in a crowded theater, you’re allowed to double down and say, “Actually, there’s a torrent of noxious gas streaming in through the vents!” and get a pat on the back from the theater owner who doesn’t believe women should be allowed to vote.

Unlike the betas over at Twitter and Facebook obsessed with fruit smoothies and Vitamix, Parler’s leadership wants its users to have fun (and we’re all severely anemic). When a new user signs up, a Parler courier (that’s Parler slang for “unpaid nephew”) leaves $50,000 cash on their doorstep, which is almost always in their parents’ basement. When they upload a profile photo, they’ll be automatically followed by Tom Brady, Chris Pratt, and Mel Gibson, unless they’re wearing a womanly pastel in the photo.

And when they download the Parler app, they’ll be sent a dossier with intelligence that proves, depending on their capacity for reason, that liberals started the California wildfires as a massive Wiccan séance that’ll hypnotize Republican senators into making abortion mandatory for anyone who’s pregnant.

Or, maybe none of that will happen. Maybe we just tricked you, and you’ve got an egg on your face — the free-range, commie kind of egg from a chicken with a gay amount of feathers!

That’s the magical catch-22 of Parler: when you agree that free speech should never suffer repercussions, you aren’t allowed to get upset if you’re duped.

There’s so much more to Parler than disinformation. Our crackerjack team of financiers comprises the smartest folks in the industry who couldn’t get jobs anywhere else due to ongoing sexual harassment investigations. There’s Jack LeHole (sick), who was responsible for raising $2 billion in seed funding for the Taliban (he thought it was a group banning tall women). We’ve also got Richard “Hemorrhage” Johnson, who doesn’t believe in coins.

Rounding out the dream team is Peter Theil, a buddy we know from college.

Parler won’t just exist online, though. We’re so excited about our in-person community events, where our users can engage in thought-provoking conversations about which pop stars are probably pedophiles. If you’re in Silicon Valley, come join us at the Palo Alto Papa John’s on Tuesday for a stimulating discussion about whether there’s a big 4K TV on the other side of the flat Earth, and whether it’s possible to hook up an HDMI cord to that bad boy and blast Alex Jones’s message beyond the stratosphere.

Your Parler buddies will be the ones without masks. See you there!