Phase one of my master plan is complete, sheeple. Your days of saying “Merry Christmas!” to every Tom, Dick, and Harry on the street are over. It’s either “Happy Holidays!” or nothing at all, and that’s because of me.
And now I’m coming for Valentine’s Day, dickheads.
For years, people have been saying it’s just a holiday created by greeting card companies. Who do you think started that brilliant misinformation campaign?
That’s right. Hold onto your heart-shaped box of truffles celebrating the Feast of St. Valentine. I don’t care how much religious significance this day has to you. When I’m done with this holiday, it’s going to be a commercialized shell of its former self.
Instead of giving your sweetheart a beautiful arrangement of flowers to honor the martyrdom of one of the Saint Valentines with ties to February 14 that the holiday could be named after, you’ll be grabbing a half-dozen half-dead roses at the gas station just to show your significant other that you didn’t forget it was an important day.
Your mouth-breathing, sugar-crazed kids will hand out cards riddled with poorly drawn hearts to their classmates, completely oblivious to the fact that when Saint Valentine was in prison, he signed a note to the jailer’s daughter as, “Your Valentine.”
Dance for me, puppets.
My liberal mob and I are going to take everything you love and hold dear—from Valentine’s Day cards to Valentine’s Day candy—and renaming them to something even more innocuous.
Happy Heart Day, you half-wits.
It’s short and alliterative, so you peasants can remember it. And holy hell, is it inoffensive. My army of snowflakes will eat this up.
Cupid? Yeah, I’m going to turn that chubby baby into the next Santa Claus. When people think of February 14, they’ll think of that creepy, love sniper more than Pope Gelasius, who first commemorated St. Valentine in 496.
Don’t worry; I’m not changing the actual date. February 14 will always be a special day. And that day will be Happy Heart Day, thanks to my control of the media elite. I might even make it a federal holiday just to rub in how I control the Deep State, too.
So go ahead and make those reservations. You can still call it a Valentine’s Day reservation, but you’ll be wondering in the back of your head if they put you by the restrooms intentionally to dox you for being such a principled conservative.
As the last bastions of morality in this world, people like you are at the top of my liberal agenda. Right up there with letting immigrants vote and the proliferation of participation trophies.
I’m not stopping there either. I will not rest until your calendars are filled with even more secular commie holidays. Happy Flag Of Any And All Nationalities Day. Egg Finding Day. Presidents’ and Czars’ Day. Thanks-and-60%-of-Your-Salary-Giving Day. Nothing is sacred.
I won’t be happy until every holiday you love is stripped of its original intent.
Just you wait. It’ll be a Heart Day like any other: gourmet chocolates, roses, a special candle-lit dinner, and next thing you know, as you stare adoringly across the table at the love of your life, realizing how they’ve changed your life, you’ll accidentally say “Happy Heart Day.”
You lose again, dipshits!