ALEXANDRA: Do you have your list of talking points ready?
MICHAEL: I do. But do you ever wonder if it’s at cross purposes to list ALL the things we’re upset about in a single call rather than focusing on our single, highest priority issue?
ALEXANDRA: Honestly? I’m not sure. Add that to your talking point list and we’ll ask the admins answering the phones.
MICHAEL: Dammit. Looks like Pelosi doesn’t accept calls from anyone outside of the 12th district. These contact forms are so much less satisfying than getting your voice to break tenderly on the word “constituent.”
ALEXANDRA: Are you sure you don’t want to re-enroll in your improv class?
MICHAEL: NO. All our disposable income is going to the resistance now.
ALEXANDRA: Look, when we agreed to support all the Democratic candidates until one of them could pull ahead of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde-Amendment Biden, we could have never fathomed there would be this many.
MICHAEL: Nor did we fully fathom the concept of concentration camps at our southern border, of an impending war with Iran, of withdrawal from nuclear accords, of a total lack of repercussions for the basic criminality of the inhabitants of the White House…
ALEXANDRA: … of the impact all of those things would have on our mental health. If we don’t take care of ourselves we’ll crash harder than Target’s checkout system.
MICHAEL: Don’t you DARE read me that Amber Tamblyn Olay ad disguised as a “poem” again. “Sing the song of self-care,” my staycation pants-clad ass. If I sing ANYTHING, it’s going to be “Why We Build the Wall” from Hadestown. Feh. If I hear the term “self-care” one more time…
ALEXANDRA: SELF-CARE, MICHAEL. Or we will wither and die in isolation like Macron and Trump’s friendship tree. Let’s get these calls done then reward ourselves with a walk to your favorite fair-trade coffee shop for some gluten-free vegan peach crisp with popped quinoa. I know you’d rather have something chocolate but until I do more research on companies that can confirm they aren’t breaking child labor laws…
MICHAEL: Swimsuit season is upon us Alex. And even though the world is on fire and I read that op-ed about the wellness industry being just another tool of the patriarchy, I’m worried that all the stress eating of the past year means I won’t fit into last year’s romphims. And as I explained earlier, spending resistance money on replacements that fit is not an option.
ALEXANDRA: Well…I know a way we can burn some calories and release some tension without paying any gym fees.
MICHAEL: Ugh, Alex. How can you even think about sex when more and more states are making abortion a crime?
ALEXANDRA: You can be Jon Stewart.
MICHAEL: Mmmm I do love Jon. I get chills when I think about his speech last week standing next to those frail 9-11 first responders. Now I’m having ALL the feelings and none of them are sexy.
ALEXANDRA: But the bill passed! That was a win!
MICHAEL: It was. There’s nothing that national treasure can’t accomplish. Do you think we can get him on the refugee camps next? DID YOU READ THAT NEWS PIECE ON THE TEEN MOM AND HER PREMATURE BABY?!
ALEXANDRA: WE are going to focus on refugee camps. Today. As we make our calls. It’s number one with a bullet on our talking points list.
MICHAEL: And that’s supposed to make me want to have sex.
ALEXANDRA: Nope. First, we’ll diminish your feelings of impotence by using our voices. Then we’ll watch your favorite episode of Fleabag again. The one with the scene with the confessional? And THAT is supposed to make you want to have sex.
MICHAEL: Mmm. Now THAT is the kind of Father’s Day I want to celebrate. As a Jewish straight man, I never thought I could be hot for a priest, but let’s go role-play THIS INSTANT.
ALEXANDRA: Make your calls first, my love.
MICHAEL: I thought you Catholics were all about absolution after the fact.
ALEXANDRA: Fair enough. Now KNEEL.