At the beginning of a relationship it’s important to come across as a creature who cannot produce waste. To prevent severe stomach pain you’ll have to find safe spaces to poop while hanging out with your boyfriend. Keep this list somewhere easily accessible, but secret from him, obviously.
1. The bathroom in Panera
You will need a code to access this toilet. Try asking one of Panera’s notoriously loose-lipped servers. If they refuse to break the rules of fast-casual dining, just order coffee. This is also the perfect excuse to slip out of your boyfriend’s apartment. “Hey babe? I’m going to grab us some coffees.” And also destroy Panera’s green and beige bathroom.
2. The porta potty by the baseball field
You always walked by this porta-potty and thought, “Who would ever go in there?” Now you know the answer. Hundreds of women in the nascent stages of their relationship flock to this potty in the early morning, their stomachs weighted with IPAs sipped through forced smiles. You need to know what you’re getting into: this baby’s unlocked and uncleaned. It smells like a thousand years of oppression. The walls drip with the tears of bloated women. Only use this option when your boyfriend is asleep so you have time to spritz yourself with perfume upon your return. Since you’re up you might as well put on some make up.
3. The bathroom at your office
Your new boyfriend conveniently lives just a few blocks from your office, which has a bathroom nicer than your entire apartment. There are free toothbrushes and light rock music streams over the speakers. Tell your boyfriend there’s an emergency at work and that you have to head into the office immediately. Be aware: workaholics might be lurking in their cubicles. If you get caught they will launch into a speech about working hard and the importance of getting ahead and why it’s worth having no friends or personal fulfillment. Try to avoid them. This is an ideal option if you also want to convince your boyfriend you’re too busy with work to be clingy.
4. The bathroom in Washington Elementary School
The toilets are tiny and this definitely counts as trespassing, but these are clean bathrooms and everyone just assumes you’re a hot mom. While your boyfriend is playing video games, sneak out the door. Follow the cobblestone path through the woods and directly to the back entrance of the elementary school. The door is locked so you’ll have to wave down a student to let you in. When they look at you with big, innocent eyes, just say that you’re Mikey L.’s mom and have some forms to give him. They’ll get bored and run off, leaving you to your business. By the time you get back your boyfriend might not even remember who you are, but at least he doesn’t know your butt has a purpose besides filling out yoga pants.
5. The bathroom in the bodega that has the slushie machine
This is the best bodega in the neighborhood. They have a ton of slushy flavors; cherry, wild blueberry, even Coke. Better yet they have a bathroom hidden in the back. Ask for the key from the guy manning the taquito station, not the guy behind the counter. Then move the shelf that holds the Hostess cakes two feet to the right. You’ll see the door. Once inside, do not touch the exposed brick. You will be tempted. “Oh, exposed brick, so cool.” Don’t touch it. On your way out pick up some eggs and cheese and surprise your boyfriend with omelettes. He’ll be so overwhelmed by your food offering he won’t notice your newly concave stomach and generally comfortable demeanor.
6. The bathroom in Macy’s
Macy’s has limited hours, but their bathrooms are fancy as hell. Please note: when you tell your boyfriend that you’re headed to the mall, you might ruin the chance of him ever loving you. That’s how much men hate shopping. It’s a risk you’ll have to take because if you use his bathroom all he will see you as is a living, breathing, piece of poop. Jump in your Nissan and drive towards freedom. Bonus: the bathroom in Macy’s is a great place to make friends with other turgid women.
7. The bathroom in your friend’s apartment one floor down
This is super convenient. Run on downstairs and knock on your friend’s door. She’ll answer with a big smile and a, “You’re here to poop, right?” She understands. It’s amazing that there are people in the world who still like you even though they know you shit.