Tackling student loans may seem impossible. However, with research, restraint, strict budgeting, and long-term sacrifice, or by getting hit by a car, you can pay them off. But which method is right for you?
It all comes down to your tolerance for paperwork versus your tolerance for physical pain.
For some, consolidating multiple loans into one loan with a lower monthly payment at a higher fixed interest rate then digging in for 10+ years of monthly payments is perfectly reasonable. Others would rather jump in front of a car and pray the settlement covers their loans.
Where some are fine spending a few hours doing mundane research to find the best consolidation plan, others would rather spend a few months lying in bed watching reruns of the Steve Harvey Show, eating through a tube.
And where some have a hard time seeing how being bored to death with consolidation terms could ever justify the risk of actual death, others are relatively excited about the possibilities of a bedridden life. “Endless Warcraft AND zero debt? Where’s the closest intersection?” they think.
Sure, some feel it’s insane to jump in front of a moving vehicle instead of just spending a Saturday focused on finding a good consolidation plan. But where they see lemons, others see free glasses of lemonade from the hospital cafeteria.
And, finally, while some people’s student loans are validated by financially and emotionally rewarding careers, others spent $80,000 on a masters degree in something like social work, or theatre arts, and are now staring down the barrel of a lifetime at a poverty-line salary and soul-crushing disappointment in their field of choice.
The pain of getting hit by a car has nothing on that.
Clearly there’s strong arguments to be made on both sides. Taking a few hours to talk to different banks about their consolidation plans then spending ten to fifteen years repaying your loans carries no risk of extreme bodily harm.
But with the risk of getting hit by a car, comes the rewards. Don’t want to visit your in-laws? Or help with the dishes? Or practice basic hygiene? Repeat after me. “I would, but my injury…” No one argues with someone in a dirty robe holding a half full colostomy bag. Not to mention there’ll be chicks. As in nurses. They’ll feed you, clean you, and even make small talk, which is the most action some people have seen in years.
From that angle getting hit by a car is a win-win.
So where do you start? Well if you’re looking to consolidate, just google “consolidate student loans.”
If you’re going the “Get hit by a car” route, there’s a few things to keep in mind. First, you can’t get hit by just any car. Make sure it’s new and European. No one ever payed off their loans jumping in front of a 92 Civic driven by a vape shop clerk. And pick an intersection in an upscale neighborhood. The bigger the houses, the bigger the settlement. And make sure to loudly accuse the driver of smelling like alcohol. That’ll help in the hearing.
Follow those steps and the literal cell of a body cast trapping you to a hospital bed won’t compare to the mental freedom of living without debt. Assuming you live.
So what’s worse, living with crippling student loan payments, or living as an actual cripple? It’s really one of those tomato VS tomahto situations. The only right answer is the answer that’s right for you.