“Trump’s newest venture? A $60 Bible. His Bible sales pitch comes as he appears to be confronting a significant financial squeeze, with his legal fees growing while he fights a number of criminal cases and lawsuits.” — New York Times

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Adam calls his banishment from the garden “very unfair.”

Moses descends Mount Sinai with the Second Amendment.

The part about not eating bacon is out. The part about not “lying with another male” stays in.

Moses takes a census in order to divide the Israelites into “total losers” and “good friends.”

All nine go GOP.

1 Samuel
Goliath wins.

2 Samuel
Bathsheba is even hotter. David moves on her.

Donald Job Trump perseveres despite the nation stealing his election and the courts taking all his money.

A hypocrite continually embarrasses himself, his state, and his family and is terrible on Face the Nation.

Paul doesn’t waste his time in the blue countries.

2 Corinthians
Forever called “Two Corinthians” (not “Second Corinthians”).

Gospel According to Matthew
Cut (boring)

Gospel According to Mark
Cut (too woke)

Gospel According to Luke
Cut (overrated)

Gospel According to John
Trump is issued a gag order. He wears a MAGA crown of thorns and heroically carries his cross until the crowds overwhelmingly demand he be exonerated and granted immunity.

The apocalypse comes, but only for those who voted for Biden and Swifties.