Spines for Senators (S4S) is still a 501c3 nonprofit organization that gives invertebrate lawmakers the transformational surgeries they so desperately need.
If you saw any of the Kavanaugh hearings, have ever tried to vote in Georgia, or have read even one word of Kyle Griffin’s Twitter feed in the past two years, you know that America is not so much a democracy as a flaming star-spangled Torino being driven off a cliff by a horde of senile, misogynistic, pistol-popping good ole boys.
The midterms are upon us, and many senators’ conditions have been exacerbated by tsunamis of dark money that are growing more and more common in election seasons. The senators and the president say these tsunamis are a natural cycle of our democracy and nothing to worry about. That’s how far gone they are.
Most of the surgeries our doctors perform are spinal implants that allow our elected officials to achieve their full ethical potential. But S4S also provides heart, brain, soul, and (new in 2018) gut transplants to integrity-indigent representatives across the country.
Right now the area of greatest need is on the Senate Judiciary Committee, and on the Senate Intelligence Committee, and in West Virginia, and in Maine, and in Arizona, and also everywhere else.
About those… Frankly, our mission has proved even more challenging than we originally anticipated. We thought that lawmakers might grow spines if faced with, say, a probable rapist and definite perjurer ascending to a lifetime position on the Supreme Court. But the opposite is true: The greater the stakes, the more spineless Congress becomes.
We’ve also had trouble performing our life-saving operations because so many senators have started hiding out in bathrooms, elevators, and showings of that new Predator reboot — anywhere their constituents won’t follow.
We know it’s industry standard to stay sort of rabidly upbeat in these calls to action, but THINGS ARE NOT GOING WELL, FOLKS.
Though most of our contributors sponsor a senator by giving X dollars per month toward their medical bills, Spines for Senators also welcomes the following donations:
- Back braces and support belts
- Lying-down desks
- Stand Up for Yourself: The Kids’ Book of Courage
- HootSuite account for scheduling post-shooting “Thoughts and prayers”
- Chair backs
- New Balance Cross-Trainers for backpedaling
- Barf bags for rare moments of self-reflection
- Hand sanitizer but for their souls
- 2,000 mg calcium supplements
- Little Heroes: Courageous People Who Changed the World
- Diapers for Little Marco
- Toy gladiator sword for Cory
- Lettuce leaves for Mitch
Meet the Senators
Here are a few of the spineless officials you can sponsor through our organization. You may also want to speak with them in person, but be careful — if we’ve learned anything from the “Never Trump” movement, it’s that gutlessness is contagious.
Jeff’s face is a mask of pained concern, and he has carpal tunnel from all the hand-wringing he does. But Jeff doesn’t let that stop him from doing whatever the hell horrible thing he is so worried about, exactly 100 percent of the time. A true profile in cowardice.
Susan used to be one of our success stories, but her body rejected her spine, heart, and brain. She recently delivered an incoherent 30-minute verbal head-pat to sexual assault victims that made Donald Trump look like Amber Tamblyn. (Honestly, this one is a lost cause. You should just donate to her opponent.)
A lost soul, Lindsey
Lindsey was born without core beliefs and raised in a South Carolina dive bar. He stabbed his best friend in the back so he could caddy for a fat orange despot. This bombastic little toad reeks of con artistry and betrayal. They call him “Stinkball.”
Testimonials, Kind Of
“I live in f***ing ALASKA and I am more in step with the American people than the rest of my party combined. Thanks, Spines for Senators!”
— Lisa Murkowski (R – AK)
“I need to be able to look myself in the mirror. I thought this was a prerequisite for like, everyone on earth, but in the Senate I get a lot of funny looks when I talk about this stuff.”
— Heidi Heitkamp (D – ND)
“Uh, I’m gonna have to hold off on the testimonial until I hear what Susan and the polls say.”
— Joe Manchin (D – WV)
For the Love of God,
Someone Please Do Something
Every day these people slither around in their own filth is a fresh hell for their constituents. The UN estimates that if Congress doesn’t see a wave of spine, brain, heart, and guts transplants next month, by 2040 the world will look like a Gerard Butler movie.
Clarence Thomas is going to retire next year. The ACA is on the chopping block again. Bob Mueller has the goods, but will the Senate have the guts? Not without your help they won’t.