MICHAEL: Shanah tovah! Or a happy New Year to you, my sweet shiksa. Let’s celebrate by dipping apples and your delectable toes in some product from the local, woman-owned apiary.


MICHAEL: Well I mean, sure, there’s Puerto Rico. And Mexico. And Florida. And Texas. Then there’s the looming ’80s dance-off between Rocket Man and Honkey Cat. Do I smell pizza?

ALEX: I’m not taking issue with the word “happy,” Michael. Though reading the Borowitz Report is as close to rapture as my atheist ass will likely ever experience. No, I’m calling shenanigans on the “new” part.

MICHAEL: Did you just say “shenanigans?” How is your blood sugar right now?

ALEX: It feels like there is a tear in the time-space continuum. WHEN are we, really? Barack and Hillary are in the public eye again. The Cold War and stirrup pants are back. Gluten is good for you. Star Trek is back in primetime. And suddenly repealing Obamacare is on the docket again.


ALEX: You did not seriously tell me to fetch something while Republicans are trying to declare womanhood a pre-existing condition.

MICHAEL: Oh you worry too much, Alex. McCain already came out against the bill. We should celebrate, even. Seeing as how we just became football fans, let’s relax with a sports game and a cold one.

ALEX: History says don’t trust old white dudes, Michael.

MICHAEL: Garrison Keillor has been making some pretty great points with his recent opinion pieces in WaPo. Both you and Kittery love his album of cat songs. Don’t you trust him?

ALEX: He’s still an old white dude, Michael. I can’t think of any of those that should be trusted.

MICHAEL: How about Santa Claus?

ALEX: Doesn’t pay a livable wage.

MICHAEL: Point taken. Oh, I know, Joe Biden!

ALEX: Oh, poor sweet Uncle Joe. He must be heartbroken. If you told me Betsy had introduced a bill that provided all incoming freshmen males with a six-month supply of roofies, I wouldn’t be surprised at this point.

MICHAEL: Prescription drugs will always have better kickbacks than rape whistles. So what did you do while I was away?

ALEX: I arranged the books by color. Then the “I don’t see color” teachings of my youth kicked in so then I put them all back as they were. Then I realized color-blindness is the height of privilege so I arranged them again by color AND congressional district in the hopes of achieving intersectionality.

MICHAEL: Not everyone can balance intersectionality as gracefully as the Juggalos.

ALEX: Anyway, that’s when I noticed this pamphlet on soap-making and decided we would make our own and never buy another plastic bottle again. Then I remembered we’re on the eve of nuclear annihilation and a third world war. I mean, I’m practically hoping for civil war because it looks like the better option at this point. At least the species would carry on. So I said “fuck it” and decided that if Harvard researchers think gluten just may lower our risk of heart disease and stroke, I might as well order the entire Domino’s menu. And sure, I may have inadvertently funded who knows how many anti-abortion protests, but it’s cool because they won’t ever actually happen. Because, HE WILL KILL US ALL.

MICHAEL: Jesus. You make it sound like life is too fleeting for single-stream recycling.

ALEX: Exactly. Which is why I also ordered us each a two-liter of soda.

MICHAEL: Reduces our risk of heart disease, eh? Just in case you’re right about McCain, I suppose eating more gluten is the only responsible thing to do. How quickly do you think snacks would get here if we order them right now? What do they call the Whole Food’s brand of those Cheetos knockoffs again?

ALEX: Ever wonder if their sales numbers have been affected?

MICHAEL: I think everyone’s already forgotten about the Amazon merger. Well… unless you actually go in the store. It’s pretty weird to see a rustic crate full of Alexas between the jackfruit and the fair-trade bananas.

ALEX: No, no, no. I mean Cheetos. Do you think Frito-Lay has had an increase or decrease in sales with all the comparisons to 45?

MICHAEL: All the rage-eating happening nationwide likely more than compensates for the drop in sales due to disgust.

ALEX: It just feels like the only way to breathe right now is into a paper bag.

MICHAEL: Too bad all we have are our SHOP LOCAL fabric totes and the plastic bag the pizza came in.

ALEX: Maybe the sport megastore thing down the street has some? We could go pick up some Steelers Jerseys. I don’t suppose they make those in organic cotton…

MICHAEL: FOOTBALL. Turns out Gil Scott-Heron was mistaken. Who would have guessed the revolution would be televised by the freaking NFL?

ALEX: A baseball player did it, too, apparently. And a college cheerleader. Take that, Betsy. I wonder what will happen on Monday Night Football. Maybe it’s a new year after all.